Working the Steps

So, getting the "inside me" to meet the "outside me" in the middle will definitely involve changing some things, including changing some things about the way I think, but also accepting that maybe there are some things that just aren't realistically going to change in the next year, or five years, or maybe ever.

One of those things that's not going to change is my relationship to carbs. Carbohydrates are my kryptonite, but only if Superman was not only weakened by kryptonite but also loved it and wanted to roll around in it every chance he got. When I was a kid, it was a family joke that if we ever went to a buffet, my plate would be covered in white food -- mashed potatoes, white gravy, rice, chicken and dumplings, noodles, pudding -- if it was starchy and sort of mushy and filled your mouth completely with awesomeness, then I was all over it (or it was all over me). I'm still that way, although that family joke has done what most family jokes do and shamed me into changing my behavior -- sort of. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love vegetables (and not just the starchy ones) and protein and foods of all colors, but does anyone ever crave a green bean? I don't. When I think about sinking into a state of food-induced ecstasy, I'm thinking french fries, mashed potatoes, orzo, egg noodles, dumplings, fresh hot white bread, cookie dough. I am not thinking chicken breast.

C'mon, admit it -- you didn't even notice that there WAS chicken in this picture.

My daughter has a friend who does not like mashed potatoes. I do not understand how this is possible. My stepson does not like anything that has a pudding consistency. What is wrong with these people? In the interest of full disclosure, these people are also both skinny. So... yeah.

Carbs literally make me happy. And in that sense, although I have never done the kinds of drugs that get you thrown in jail or cause you to need rehab, I believe that carbs are heroin. For me. My behavior in relation to carbs is very much like what I have seen on TV shows about rehab (so I'm totally an expert on this subject). I know they are bad for me, but eating them makes me physically happy in that they feel good in my mouth and emotionally happy in that I get very excited about eating them and am sad when they are gone. I try to give them up, which means going cold turkey, and it's ok for awhile, but I know they're out there. Other people are eating them. People all around me are enjoying that thing that I know would be so awesome.

People rehabbing are supposed to get new friends so they aren't tempted back into their old ways. I totally get that -- but I also get the junkie's resistance to doing this. Who wants to hang around a bunch of non-carb-eating people? How can they possibly be any fun? What joy do they have in their lives? A life without carbs must be a very sad and colorless life, pretending to be enthusiastic about any food other than bread, potatoes, rice and pasta.  But I hang in there for awhile; I try to think about all the reasons that I'm not eating carbs. I try to convince myself I feel SO MUCH BETTER without them. And I do lose weight.

But the siren call is always there and eventually I'll have a piece of bread. And it's so fucking good. Like better than sex or anything else. No, really. This is something I don't think naturally skinny people get. The best physical sensation my body produces comes from eating. Yeah, orgasms are good, but they require effort and don't last very long. Eating a chocolate chip cookie hot from the oven requires no effort, lasts as long as the cookies last, and is instantly repeatable. That's the problem, really.

Once I've had that piece of bread, I'll be back on carbs within a week, wondering why I ever thought not eating carbs was a good idea. And then the weight comes back on as well.  I totally understand why addicts cycle in and out of rehab -- the negative effects of your addiction get bad enough that you want to do something about it, so you try to stop indulging your addiction and the negative effects go away, but the addiction doesn't go away, and the memory of how awesome that addicting thing is doesn't go away either. Once the negative effects subside, that memory takes up a little more of your active consciousness every day.

I know 12-step programs are designed to help people re-construct a life knowing that they will always be addicted and that they can't have the thing that they're addicted to. Maybe Overeaters Anonymous is where I should be. But at this point in my life, I'm not going back to rehab (no, no, no). I'm going to try to be the alcoholic who still drinks a little instead. Lucky for me, if I do fall off the wagon, with my addiction I'm unlikely to kill anyone or get arrested, so the stakes are a lot lower. Also lucky for me, it appears that, in the realm of food addiction, there's some good evidence that it's actually possible to eat your cake and have it too (but not too much!).

So the thing I am willing to change is how I eat, to start with, as well as what I eat, within reason. I'm not quite ready for the total life makeover that 12 steps require, so I came up with my own 5 Steps:

1. Eat slow
2. Eat small
3. Eat smart
4. Stop Sitting!
5. Stay positive

Let's call them the 5 (or 6) S's. My goal is to work on one step at a time until I get it down to a habit that I don't have to think about anymore. I'll be tracking my progress here, starting tomorrow. I'll also be supplementing that with other stuff I've found helpful from The Beck Diet for Life, which is based on cognitive behavior therapy -- in other words, changing the way you think. Maybe if I work these 5 steps long enough, someday I'll actually believe that green bean fries will make me just as happy as McDonalds fries.