It's All in My Head

So, yeah -- I kinda disappeared there for awhile. Much craziness around here, and I've been using my blogging time to do work that should have gotten done when the craziness was happening. I've also had another mental mini-rebellion against thinking about changing my eating habits. I have to wonder -- is this rebellion a just and honest rebellion against the forces in our world that make me feel unnecessarily crappy about myself, or is it a sneaky and underhanded way for the carb-addicted pleasure center in my brain to keep getting everything it wants? I can't figure out the source yet, but I can tell you this -- under the stress of the last couple of weeks, I perceived thinking about changing how I eat as additionally stressful. So I stopped thinking about it.

BUT I have noticed that even without thinking about it consciously, some of that work I was doing has paid off. I am now the last one to finish eating, when I used to be first. I get full faster. I haven't really lost any weight, but I haven't gained any either, which is a victory of its own, I suppose. So now that things are calming down (maybe), I can imagine at least the possibility that I might get back to changing a few more habits in the near future.

In the meantime, though, I've jumped right to Step 4: Stop Sitting. Because I'm now teaching five dance classes a week. I've got eight lovely, wonderful and hard-working new student dancers in our troupe, and we rehearse twice a week; I also started a new job at a cool new studio in town, so I'm teaching three fitness classes there (2 ATS-based and 1 Egyptian-style basics classes). What I've noticed, which is sort of validating, is that even the skinny girls, and even my dance sister who is crazy strong and in Iron-Woman shape, get sweaty, out of breath, and tired -- sometimes even before I do. And I think that that, all by itself, might change a few people's perceptions about what it means (and doesn't mean) when someone is fat. I'm good with that.

Feeling like a dancer again is also really good. Spending all that time in front of the mirror has given me the confidence to agree to perform an entirely new solo for a festival show this weekend, which basically means I have three days to put it together, but I'm not even worried.

So what's the point of all this rambling, anyway? Well, mainly that, whatever is going on in our lives, 90% of the game is mental. And sometimes our brains work against us, which doesn't really seem fair, but it's a fact that seems to have been pretty firmly established by psychologists. We can't always trust our perceptions; sometimes our subconscious helps us rationalize decisions that consciously we didn't want to, or know we shouldn't, make; and a lot of stress in our lives comes from inside our very own heads, not from outside sources.

This was brought home to me yesterday, when I was yet again considering faking some kind of serious illness that would require hospitalization (which would mean *maybe* people would stop complaining, bitching and generally making life miserable for everyone around them, or at least keep it to themselves for awhile). It was so bad that I actually had to close my office door and cry for a little while -- it was that or throw up. Later that afternoon, a colleague who had heard a little bit about what was going on texted me and said, "Hey, it's not your fault." At least I thought that's what he said when I first read the text, and I felt all validated, because that's what *I* was saying to myself. But then I read it again, later when things had calmed down a little, and what he was actually saying was: "Hey, knock it off. You are not responsible for the outcome of a process that involves almost 20 people. You can't control it, so get over yourself." He didn't use those exact words, but that was what he meant.

And that's when I realized (again): Wow, everyone else sees the world really differently than I do. My perceptions about myself and my role in the world cannot be trusted. And I can't control it. So I should stop worrying about it and just get on with life. And that's kind of a huge relief.

I ran across this image the other day; I think it's pretty apropos as a mantra for this week.

I'm thinking maybe I should be working on these steps instead of my 5 S's, and focus on changing my mind first, before I try to change my body. Maybe I'll even decide my body doesn't need that much changing after all.

Stressball

Stress and lack of sleep go hand in hand. They also apparently have a role in weight gain (as in, if you are stressed and/or if you don't get enough sleep, you tend to weigh more). I haven't slept soundly since my daughter was born -- the tiniest sound usually wakes me up -- but sometimes I'm not sleeping at all, soundly or otherwise. Last night was one of those nights.

It's like there's this dam somewhere behind my eyes and all the stress-inducing stuff in my life builds up behind it. And then, at about 2:30 in the morning, the dam breaks and my eyes slam open and everything that hasn't gotten done, or that I've forgotten about, or that I didn't forget about but just don't want to think about goes parading through my mind like a friggin' Mardi Gras parade, just as noisy but way less fun. Nobody brings beads or alcohol, for one thing.

I've tried all the strategies, from writing down everything that keeps running through my mind to convince my brain that it doesn't need to keep reminding me every five minutes to deep breathing to self distraction to getting up for a bit. Nothing really worked last night until about 30 minutes before I had to get up. So now, not only do I have a shit-ton of stuff to do, I'm tired and cranky. Yay.

Anyway, there is one thing that always eventually works, if I let it. It's this handy little app called SleepStream 2, and it not only has nature sounds and white noise, but it also has binaural tones and programs for both relaxation and energy, depending on what you need. I use it all the time and it really helps me get out of my head. There are lots of similar apps out there for iPhone and Droid, so if you prefer all nature sounds, or all white noise, or a mix, there's something out there for you. [To be honest, sometimes I use Ricky Gervais podcasts as a kind of white noise to fall asleep to -- I've listened to them all so often I don't really have to pay attention and it ends up being a very pleasant background drone.] If you're more relaxed and well-rested, you'll be able to manage everything better and reach your goals sooner. Give it a try!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 90%

I'm getting closer to my first goal, and it's getting easier!