<-- Backslider!

That's me :) I've been less focused on my eating habits as my life has gotten crazy busy the last couple of days. So my progress report is more of a regress report for yesterday, but now that I've gotten a lot of stuff off my list (and gotten some much needed positive feedback on some non-dance-related work), I've felt more able to concentrate.

Notice how I'm working really hard not to say that I've been bad. I haven't been bad. I've been pretty good actually -- I just haven't been paying attention to one thing while I spend some of my attention budget elsewhere. It's all good. I got a new dress yesterday and I am going to rock it tomorrow. Maybe I'll even post pictures!

In the meantime, I'm loving the enthusiasm our eight new dancers are bringing to my dance life. If only we can find a time when all 12 of us are free to rehearse!

Bob Marley apparently said a lot of cool stuff...

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 45%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 65%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 30%

Slap the Apology from Your Posture...

This poem has been going around Facebook for a few weeks, along with the accompanying photo, but it speaks so clearly to me about the primal power of dance, and women's dances in particular, to be transformative -- for the audience AND the dancer.

Photo credit: Chad Faith

We have come to be danced

Not the pretty dance

Not the pretty pretty, pick me, pick me dance

But the claw our way back into the belly 

Of the sacred, sensual animal dance 

The unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance

The holding the precious moment in the palms

of our hands and feet dance.

We have come to be danced

Not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance

But the wring the sadness from our skin dance 

The blow the chip off our shoulder dance. 

The slap the apology from our posture dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the monkey see, monkey do dance

One two dance like you 

One two three, dance like me dance 

But the grave robber, tomb stalker 

Tearing scabs and scars open dance 

The rub the rhythm raw against our soul dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle

But the matted hair flying, voodoo mama shaman shaking ancient bones dance 

The strip us from our casings, return our wings 

sharpen our claws and tongues dance 

The shed dead cells and slip into the luminous skin of love dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow 

end of the floor dance but the meeting of the trinity: 

the body, breath and beat dance 

The shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance

The mother may I? Yes you may take ten giant leaps dance

The olly olly oxen free free free dance 

The everyone can come to our heaven dance. 

We have come to be danced

Where the kingdoms collide

In the cathedral of flesh

To burn back into the light 

To unravel, to play, to fly, to pray 

To root in skin sanctuary 

We have come to be danced! We have come.” 

~ by Jewel Mathieson

from her book "This Dance: A Poultice of Poems" (jewelmathieson.blogspot.com)

I am in love with the imagery in this piece -- the way the poem calls out all the energy, self-confidence, attitude, strength and self-knowledge that comes from dancing, if you let it, if you stop doing "the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle" and shout hallelujah from the top of your thighs instead.

We had a workshop for students interested in being involved with our student troupe yesterday and I watched these young women work very hard, concentrating on reconnecting with movement that no longer feels natural to them -- the way hips move up when you shift your weight, or back when you take a step. We in the West are so tight in our hips, so locked in, many of us have lost touch with the simple sway, curve and bounce that happens when we walk. The movement becomes tentative, and our posture along with it. Once we reconnect with that natural rhythm of the body in simply walking in time to music, we are already dancing. The rest is just window dressing. But it doesn't look like dance until you slap the apology from your posture, hold your head up and your shoulders back, and own the space you occupy with all the pride you can possibly muster.

At that point, the body becomes merely a vessel for the spirit that is you, shining through. And 15 or 30 or 60 or 100 "extra" pounds doesn't matter in the least.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 85%

A Not-So-Painful Divorce

"I was so good today -- I didn't eat anything that wasn't on my plan." "I've been really bad this week -- I've had desert every night." Argh.

Let's divorce self-worth from eating habits. I am not bad if I eat "bad" food. Eating is eating. My self-worth and value to this world don't have anything to do with what I eat.

Don't get me wrong -- there is a lot to be said for acquiring self-discipline. Self-discipline is a true virtue. It is a worthy goal to work toward. And there's no question that self-discipline is required if you are, like me, trying to change unhealthy habits, whether they are related to eating or not. But give yourself a break, for God's sake. It takes a long time to change habits that you may have had for 20 or 30 years (or more).

Setting goals is also, generally speaking, a good thing. But if you don't reach a goal, does that make you BAD? Are you supposed to go sit in the corner because maybe an old habit kicked in before you had time to think? Are you less of a human being because you got sidetracked or did something else with your time?

This realization hit me the other day, as I was procrastinating once again but not feeling the slightest bit guilty about it. I have had a "goal," so to speak, to get my laundry done for about 10 days. I finally did it yesterday sort of by accident. Like, in between doing other stuff I figured, "hey, might as well throw that in too." But between the day I made the giant laundry pile 10 days ago and yesterday, every night when I went to bed I saw the big huge laundry pile. And never once did I say to myself, "God, I SUCK. I totally failed at getting that laundry done. I'm disgusting!" I felt perfectly fine about it, because I knew it would get done eventually.

Another example: I am a teacher, and I often have giant stacks of papers to grade. These take forever and I hate doing it. I always make a deal with myself that I will do so many a day for the next however many days, and that way it won't be too bad, blah blah blah. Never happens. I'm always down to the wire, the weekend before they're due back, spending hours at a time grading. When I am looking at that giant stack of papers on Friday afternoon, I might have slight regret that I didn't start earlier, but I don't for one second even consider starting in with a giant load of self-hatred. I do not connect my self-worth to the fact that I have a tendency to procrastinate.

A final example: when it is my turn to change the litter box, I often procrastinate (surprise, surprise). Every time I pass it, I think, "Yeah, I need to do that." But two or three days might go by. Do I beat myself up over the fact that I "failed" to change the litter box every time I pass it? No. Never. Now, the consequences of not changing it get increasingly unpleasant, which can also be the case with procrastinating on your habit-changing goals, but it gets done eventually.

So why is it that so many people, when they slip back into an old eating habit, or procrastinate getting started on building some new eating habits, pour self-loathing all over themselves like some kind of horrible oily bath of shame? I do it too, but I'm pretty sick of it and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Yes, there are negative consequences from not doing what you set out to do sometimes. If I didn't do laundry, I'd run out of underwear. If I don't grade the papers, I could lose my job. If I don't change the litter box, the cats are going to start finding new places to poop and... ew. There are also negative consequences from bad eating habits, or any other bad habits. But causes and consequences are just that -- issues related to logic, not emotion. And besides, telling yourself how horrible you are because you failed to meet a goal isn't actually helping you once the time for meeting that goal has passed. It's already gone. All you can do is figure out another way to get there, or pick yourself up and try again.

People need to eat. Sometimes they eat food that nourishes their bodies. Sometimes they eat food that makes their brain chemistry do a happy dance. Sometimes they eat more than they need. Sometimes they forget to eat. None of that -- none of it -- has anything to do with whether that person is kind, generous, thoughtful, pleasant, a good friend, a good worker, or anything else that makes us valuable as human beings.

It's Friday -- go be awesome!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 100%

Getting closer to my goal!

You Can't Wait Until...

Let's turn attention to the relationship between body image and living life for a moment. Obviously, the process I'm undergoing to bring my awesome "inner" me more in line with my maybe-not-quite-as-awesome "outer" me is going to take a long time. Realistically, changing your body -- whatever that means for you -- takes a long time. It takes a long time to get strong(er). It takes a long time to get fit(ter). Even if you get there, it takes some brain re-training to stay there. Under normal circumstances, it takes a long time to change habits and change your life.

You can't wait until things are exactly the way you want them to start living. As I think we've established, by any objective measure I am fat. Most people (in the US, at least) think of bellydancers as ... well, not fat. There are a variety of reasons for this, not all of them necessarily positive for the art of raqs sharqui, but that's a topic for another day. It's not like I started out dancing and then got fat -- I was fat when I started. But it was something I wanted to do, so I did it. And I loved it. And I wasn't that good at the beginning, because let's face it -- dance (any dance) is not as easy as it looks and being good at it requires practice and investment in education. But because I loved it, I got better. I got stronger. I was still fat, but by God I started to get muscle definition that made the fat look different. And after awhile, it just didn't seem to matter that I wasn't the typical body shape for a dancer. I'm no Ranya Renee, and I'll never be Rachel Brice, but that's ok. I kept at it, kept performing, kept studying, kept practicing and earlier this year, I won a competition. It was a small local competition with a field of about eight dancers, but the second place winner is a professional dancer and both the second- and third-place winners are less than half my size. That was sort of validating, to say the least. I've entered another competition that's coming up in about six months, and if I don't win, that's ok -- just participating is another step in my growth doing something I really love.

You may have different loves. But don't wait until things are perfect, or until you are perfect, to start them. That day will never come. Just jump in. You're not going to be the best at something right away, no matter what. That can't be your standard. Just go for the best you can be at that moment.

So since I've started this blog, I've lost 1.5 pounds, just by eating more slowly and intentionally. I might be a big, giant tortoise, but maybe I'll still get there in the end.

Photo: Tim Laman/National Geographic

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%