A Not-So-Painful Divorce

"I was so good today -- I didn't eat anything that wasn't on my plan." "I've been really bad this week -- I've had desert every night." Argh.

Let's divorce self-worth from eating habits. I am not bad if I eat "bad" food. Eating is eating. My self-worth and value to this world don't have anything to do with what I eat.

Don't get me wrong -- there is a lot to be said for acquiring self-discipline. Self-discipline is a true virtue. It is a worthy goal to work toward. And there's no question that self-discipline is required if you are, like me, trying to change unhealthy habits, whether they are related to eating or not. But give yourself a break, for God's sake. It takes a long time to change habits that you may have had for 20 or 30 years (or more).

Setting goals is also, generally speaking, a good thing. But if you don't reach a goal, does that make you BAD? Are you supposed to go sit in the corner because maybe an old habit kicked in before you had time to think? Are you less of a human being because you got sidetracked or did something else with your time?

This realization hit me the other day, as I was procrastinating once again but not feeling the slightest bit guilty about it. I have had a "goal," so to speak, to get my laundry done for about 10 days. I finally did it yesterday sort of by accident. Like, in between doing other stuff I figured, "hey, might as well throw that in too." But between the day I made the giant laundry pile 10 days ago and yesterday, every night when I went to bed I saw the big huge laundry pile. And never once did I say to myself, "God, I SUCK. I totally failed at getting that laundry done. I'm disgusting!" I felt perfectly fine about it, because I knew it would get done eventually.

Another example: I am a teacher, and I often have giant stacks of papers to grade. These take forever and I hate doing it. I always make a deal with myself that I will do so many a day for the next however many days, and that way it won't be too bad, blah blah blah. Never happens. I'm always down to the wire, the weekend before they're due back, spending hours at a time grading. When I am looking at that giant stack of papers on Friday afternoon, I might have slight regret that I didn't start earlier, but I don't for one second even consider starting in with a giant load of self-hatred. I do not connect my self-worth to the fact that I have a tendency to procrastinate.

A final example: when it is my turn to change the litter box, I often procrastinate (surprise, surprise). Every time I pass it, I think, "Yeah, I need to do that." But two or three days might go by. Do I beat myself up over the fact that I "failed" to change the litter box every time I pass it? No. Never. Now, the consequences of not changing it get increasingly unpleasant, which can also be the case with procrastinating on your habit-changing goals, but it gets done eventually.

So why is it that so many people, when they slip back into an old eating habit, or procrastinate getting started on building some new eating habits, pour self-loathing all over themselves like some kind of horrible oily bath of shame? I do it too, but I'm pretty sick of it and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Yes, there are negative consequences from not doing what you set out to do sometimes. If I didn't do laundry, I'd run out of underwear. If I don't grade the papers, I could lose my job. If I don't change the litter box, the cats are going to start finding new places to poop and... ew. There are also negative consequences from bad eating habits, or any other bad habits. But causes and consequences are just that -- issues related to logic, not emotion. And besides, telling yourself how horrible you are because you failed to meet a goal isn't actually helping you once the time for meeting that goal has passed. It's already gone. All you can do is figure out another way to get there, or pick yourself up and try again.

People need to eat. Sometimes they eat food that nourishes their bodies. Sometimes they eat food that makes their brain chemistry do a happy dance. Sometimes they eat more than they need. Sometimes they forget to eat. None of that -- none of it -- has anything to do with whether that person is kind, generous, thoughtful, pleasant, a good friend, a good worker, or anything else that makes us valuable as human beings.

It's Friday -- go be awesome!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 100%

Getting closer to my goal!