A blog about body image, dance, fitness, and positivity. Reflections on learning to love who you are right now and tips for working on changing things that no longer serve you on your journey.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Fashion Tips from The Fat Dancer

So, this past weekend I had a lot of people ask me where I got my coverup, which I also used as a dress at the gala Saturday night. If you are a belly dancer, you know that coverups in a caftan style can run well over $100, especially if you are looking for something that does not immediately scream "house coat." Mine cost $35, and it is gorgeous (I'm not bragging -- I had nothing to do with its gorgeousness other than being lucky enough to find it and scoop it up).

Floral Embroidery Galabaya


I got this lovely little gem on eBay from Egypt -- ok, nothing so unusual about that. Who hasn't bought something from Egypt (or Turkey or India or China) on eBay? But here's my tip: don't search for "belly dance" stuff. Search for clothes that are marketed to Arabic/Muslim women. I found an incredible treasure trove of beautiful things (not only on eBay) by searching for "abaya," "galabaya" and/or "jilbab."

Now, it's true that this piece does not close up the front -- it's an over-the-head job that is sometimes really tricky to get on and off. However, I chose this pattern specifically because it could be cut up the front; throw on a few fancy frog fasteners and it's a little more useable as a coverup for before and after performances. But this thing fits so beautifully that I don't even want to cut it. It's amazingly flattering on me, which doesn't happen that often with dancewear, so I may just keep this one the way it is, and order another one to turn into a caftan. I can even imagine doing a folkloric piece in this, just the way it is.

So dancers, go investigate a whole new world of much more reasonably priced dresses. I mean, personally, I'd wear this around town every day in the fall, and it's only $50 (with shipping, three pieces):

Gray Galabaya/coat

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Updated: Body Gratitude

Hi everybody! I'm back from my weekend of dance extravaganzas and getting into the swing of a new teaching schedule -- whew! Blogging time was in short supply this weekend (and in Monday's aftermath), but never fear -- I'm still here! (I know you were worried.)

Last week I wrote a verging-on-pissy post about body image and linked to Amy Poehler's video about learning to show gratitude to your body, but this weekend, as I was dancing my little heart out, I had a moment of real gratitude for what my body can do.

Way back in early August I taught a workshop for a bunch of really wonderful ladies, and that was pretty much the last time I really danced. Our troupe took a vacation from rehearsals, and I kept putting off my own practice in favor of getting ready for the start of a new school year, and any other excuse I could find. So Saturday morning, as I prepared for six hours of dance class, I was a little worried. But my body hung in there and took everything I threw at it, even when I did some things that I know I shouldn't do (like slide my hips horizontally over a weighted leg while my rib cage is sliding the opposite direction over the unweighted leg, which will put my back out faster than ... I don't know, something that's really fast -- so sue me, my brain checked out sometime Sunday afternoon and it hasn't come back yet).

In fact, speaking of brain check-out, Sunday morning I trotted back for another six hours of dancing, and at about hour 2, my brain-body connection broke. It wasn't that my body stopped working -- it's that my brain shorted out and refused to recall any of the combinations we had been working on. I couldn't remember what was coming next anymore, and when I get behind on weight changes and turns, that's when I get hurt. I had to stop, as much as I didn't want to, because my brain quit on me -- but my body never quit.

Brain Melt
Credit: Lawrence Yang


I've been in a bit of a brain fog since then, but my body is still hanging in there. I've taught two classes since then, and it's still going strong. I'm not injured and I'm not even that sore. Actually, it feels like my body is thanking me for moving again. I want to remember this feeling, because I always think that my body is thanking me for sitting on the couch and not bothering it. Turns out, I really do want to move (or at least my body does. I think it's Carolena Nericcio who talks about how our brains really don't want to move, because, evolutionarily speaking, it's safer, from the brain's perspective, to stay still).

So thanks, body, for hanging in there, for supporting me as I move, for keeping me balanced, for engaging the right muscles at the right time, for releasing what needs to be released and for finding a way to keep going even when I'm tired. You're awesome!



Progress report:
There is no progress to report, but that's ok.

UPDATE: Apparently my brain did not like me talking smack about it, and so it smote me with a migraine. Watch out, brain -- you used to be my favorite, but I'm starting to think maybe body has more going for it...

Friday, September 14, 2012

Meditation for a Friday

Today is my last day of rest before I dive into my new schedule of teaching dance classes three times a week and leading troupe rehearsal twice a week. This weekend, I kick off my return to a crazy dance schedule by attending two intensive workshops -- one with Aziza of Montreal and one with Sera Solstice. I don't know which one I am more excited about!  Also, I will get to see some of my friends perform tomorrow night at the show -- go, girls!

I've been feeling conflicted about my messaging here -- is it simply about developing a positive body image or is it about changing my body so I can feel better about it? I saw this yesterday and it clarified a lot for me:


So the answer is both, and I'll try to keep that in mind as I'm sweating my ass off (and praying my knees don't decide to go sideways when I'm not expecting it).

Have an awesome weekend!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Wanted: A New Perspective

It's been a rough couple of days for me --  not only have I been losing some of the ground I had gained on changing some of my unhelpful eating habits, but I have also gained back all the weight I lost since embarking on this project, plus half a pound.

Sigh.

And then I saw these pictures, from a recent picnic:

The Fat Dancer at a picnic

Yeah, let's take a closer look at that:

The Fat Dancer at a picnic

This takes me right back to my very first post -- this is NOT how I think I look. I am surprised and dismayed every time I am confronted with pictures of myself. I feel an intense self-loathing, which I don't normally walk around with, when I see myself through the camera's eye. Sometimes my daughter borrows my phone to take pictures of herself, and she leaves the camera on the setting where the it looks towards the user instead of outward. Then I come along and want to take a picture, and the first thing I see is myself on that screen and it always makes me jump like it's Halloween at the haunted house -- "Oh my God, what the hell is that!?!?!"

So this video from Amy Poehler showed up in my Facebook news feed this morning at exactly the right time, and even though I've heard the message before -- and I'm pretty sure you have, too -- it bears repeating:


So, here's my attempt at gratitude toward my body:

  1. I have good fingernails. Seriously, even my manicurist envies them. 
  2. I have good feet. They are big, but somehow don't look like boats.
  3. I have pretty good hair, although I wish it would stop falling out.
  4. I don't throw up a lot. I'm really grateful for that because there is nothing I hate more.
  5. I don't have to shave very often. Guess I don't have much testosterone.
  6. I have good skin, and I don't have to do anything special or expensive to maintain it.
  7. ...
That's pretty much all I could come up with this morning. I couldn't think of a single thing between my neck and my ankles to put on the list. But that's probably because I'm very grumpy about all this stuff today. 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I need to find a way to change my thinking about myself as well as my eating. I'm going to work on a plan, and as soon as I have one, I'll let you all know. Of course, one solution is to remove all mirrors from my house and never look at pictures of myself. Denial, as they say, is not just a river in Egypt.

But seriously, I think Amy is on to something here, and I've heard it in different words from lots of different sources: would you talk to your daughter the way you talk to yourself when it comes to her body and her beauty? Would you let someone else talk to you the way you talk to yourself when it comes to your body and your beauty? Why do so many of us have this constant negative, mean and downright hateful soundtrack running in our heads all day? 

There's a balance here, of course. When I look at pictures of myself, I don't want to feel self-hatred, but I also want to take the reality check seriously. I have to face the facts that the camera is showing me, and change what I can change if I don't like what it shows me. This is not about giving up, but about finding a way to stay focused on the positive rather than the negative when it comes to weight and body image. And I really, really need that change in perspective.

In the meantime, I'm going all the way back to the beginning with my steps. I added too many too soon, I think. So now, I'm only focusing on eating with empty hands until I can do it 100% for several days in a row.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 80%

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

<-- Backslider!

That's me :) I've been less focused on my eating habits as my life has gotten crazy busy the last couple of days. So my progress report is more of a regress report for yesterday, but now that I've gotten a lot of stuff off my list (and gotten some much needed positive feedback on some non-dance-related work), I've felt more able to concentrate.

Notice how I'm working really hard not to say that I've been bad. I haven't been bad. I've been pretty good actually -- I just haven't been paying attention to one thing while I spend some of my attention budget elsewhere. It's all good. I got a new dress yesterday and I am going to rock it tomorrow. Maybe I'll even post pictures!

In the meantime, I'm loving the enthusiasm our eight new dancers are bringing to my dance life. If only we can find a time when all 12 of us are free to rehearse!

Love the life you live, Live the life you love
Bob Marley apparently said a lot of cool stuff...

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 45%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 65%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 30%

Monday, September 10, 2012

Wow...

So my last post seemed to resonate with a lot of people, at least based on traffic to my little blog. Thanks for sharing it around, guys! :)

Yesterday was definitely a happy dance day. We had a successful audition and have eight new student members (one of whom, I swear to God, looks exactly like Sharon Kihara) and I finally got to dance again. I have been super busy doing dance stuff (scheduling classes, planning auditions, working with a new studio owner) but haven't actually been doing much dancing of late. That all changes next week, as I start a new three-a-week schedule, plus I'm going to a super-awesome workshop this weekend that I know will leave me wiped out -- in a good way.

I'm thinking of asking the owner of the new studio I'm working with to post this somewhere:

Body Hate Free Zone

I would also like to hang it from my rear-view mirror, post it above my bathroom mirror, and in my home studio in giant letters on the back wall.

Much love, everyone! Have a great Monday!

Progress report (gotta keep working):
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 50%

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Slap the Apology from Your Posture...

This poem has been going around Facebook for a few weeks, along with the accompanying photo, but it speaks so clearly to me about the primal power of dance, and women's dances in particular, to be transformative -- for the audience AND the dancer.

Tribal dancers coming at you!
Photo credit: Chad Faith
We have come to be danced
Not the pretty dance
Not the pretty pretty, pick me, pick me dance
But the claw our way back into the belly 
Of the sacred, sensual animal dance 
The unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance
The holding the precious moment in the palms
of our hands and feet dance.

We have come to be danced
Not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance
But the wring the sadness from our skin dance 
The blow the chip off our shoulder dance. 
The slap the apology from our posture dance. 

We have come to be danced
Not the monkey see, monkey do dance
One two dance like you 
One two three, dance like me dance 
But the grave robber, tomb stalker 
Tearing scabs and scars open dance 
The rub the rhythm raw against our soul dance. 

We have come to be danced
Not the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle
But the matted hair flying, voodoo mama shaman shaking ancient bones dance 
The strip us from our casings, return our wings 
sharpen our claws and tongues dance 
The shed dead cells and slip into the luminous skin of love dance. 

We have come to be danced
Not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow 
end of the floor dance but the meeting of the trinity: 
the body, breath and beat dance 
The shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance
The mother may I? Yes you may take ten giant leaps dance
The olly olly oxen free free free dance 
The everyone can come to our heaven dance. 

We have come to be danced
Where the kingdoms collide
In the cathedral of flesh
To burn back into the light 
To unravel, to play, to fly, to pray 
To root in skin sanctuary 
We have come to be danced! We have come.” 
~ by Jewel Mathieson


from her book "This Dance: A Poultice of Poems" (jewelmathieson.blogspot.com)

I am in love with the imagery in this piece -- the way the poem calls out all the energy, self-confidence, attitude, strength and self-knowledge that comes from dancing, if you let it, if you stop doing "the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle" and shout hallelujah from the top of your thighs instead.

We had a workshop for students interested in being involved with our student troupe yesterday and I watched these young women work very hard, concentrating on reconnecting with movement that no longer feels natural to them -- the way hips move up when you shift your weight, or back when you take a step. We in the West are so tight in our hips, so locked in, many of us have lost touch with the simple sway, curve and bounce that happens when we walk. The movement becomes tentative, and our posture along with it. Once we reconnect with that natural rhythm of the body in simply walking in time to music, we are already dancing. The rest is just window dressing. But it doesn't look like dance until you slap the apology from your posture, hold your head up and your shoulders back, and own the space you occupy with all the pride you can possibly muster.

At that point, the body becomes merely a vessel for the spirit that is you, shining through. And 15 or 30 or 60 or 100 "extra" pounds doesn't matter in the least.

Confidence will make you happier than any diet ever will, so embrace your body

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 85%