Eating for Others

No, I'm not pregnant -- no, no, no, nevermore. What I'm reflecting on today is how difficult it is to disentangle the emotional ramifications of food from its purely nutritive aspects. I'm not really talking, here, about eating to self-comfort, but about how other people respond when you decline something they have made (or bought) for you that you do not want to eat. Or that you really, really do want to eat but shouldn't. Or that you've promised not to eat for a whole year (who would do something that crazy, I ask you?).

Oh beautiful pineapple -- why do you hate me so?

It's one thing if you're allergic. I'm allergic to avocados and pineapple (wah!) so I feel no guilt whatsoever in not eating food containing those ingredients. But I'm not allergic to cornbread, or cookies, or potatoes. And that's what I was faced with this weekend -- delicious, delicious homemade iron-skillet cornbread, sugar cookies made specially for us, and potatoes that couldn't, by any stretch, be politely picked out of a vegetable soup.

Nom. Nom nom nom.

So, as you've probably guessed, I ate what was set in front of me. We went to visit some elderly relatives of my husband's and she had prepared a delicious meal just for us. To be honest, health-wise it was not over the top. No scalloped potatoes or deep-fried chicken. The desserts were fairly light. But none of it was "on my diet."

Yes, I could have said "no thanks, I'm on a diet." Maybe I should have said that. But there is something so off-putting, to me, about sitting at a table where everyone is eating except one person, who is not eating by choice. It seems rude, to me. I know that our hostess would not have been offended (probably), but she probably would have felt guilty  in that good Southern hostess way, that she didn't cook something I could eat. And while I'm on the subject, I also think it's rude to require someone to change their whole menu just for you. [Again, I'm not saying that these are immutable etiquette rules -- I'm talking about how *I* feel about issues surrounding refusing food.]

So yeah, I could have lied. I could have said that I don't like any of that stuff. But that also comes across, to me, as rude, having been raised to at least try something of everything on your plate and not to refuse to eat food offered by one's hosts. I REALLY don't like seafood, of any kind, but honestly, if I go to someone's house and they serve seafood, I'm going to pretend that I like it. I was raised to believe that's just good manners.

I could have lied and said I'm allergic to corn, or wheat, or meat. But that kind of lie, besides being a little over the top, can also come back to bite you in any number of ways. First of all, all my in-laws were there, so they'd know I was lying. But even if they didn't, it would mean, given the fairly basic nature of the food we were eating, that future meals with this couple would be pret-ty limited (and also more likely to contain seafood -- urgh).

I could have said I was full. But again, that seems rude to me. If you know you are going to someone's house for a meal, why would you fill up beforehand. I get pissed off at my husband if he snacks before dinner, if I'm cooking, because I see that as disrespect for the effort I'm putting into making him food.  I could have brought my own food, but that also seems off-putting to me -- it seems supercilious and snobby TO ME. It's like saying, "Yes, I'll spend time with you, but I can't eat what all you normal people eat -- I need *better* food."

The mantra of many diet programs is probably familiar to many of you: If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. But I did plan (a little). I ate some cheese on the way down, hoping it would curb my appetite a bit. But I wasn't prepared for the emotional landmine that surrounds family meals. Or formal family meals at any rate. I know some of you will say "But it's family -- they have to take you however you are." That's true, to an extent, but this is family we don't see very often, and I am very new to this family. I mean, she got out her good china for cornbread and beef stew.

I know that a lot of what I've said here reveals a lot more about my own issues with food than it has to do with the etiquette of dining.  But I also have to think that I can't be alone in this -- what is it about food, and eating in groups, and *preparing* food, that causes such intense emotional reactions?

No thanks, Grandma -- I'm just going to have a salad

In the end, I ate. I had cornbread, and soup (two bowls!) and cookies. I skipped the pecan pie, but that's mostly because I don't like it, and I felt I had earned one refusal since I had eaten everything else. I didn't go overboard. And I know I paid the price for it, both in breaking my pledge for the first time and in setting back whatever progress I've managed to eke out over the last two weeks. But I made a sweet lady happy (or kept her from being unhappy) and it seemed worth it at the time. I've been otherwise very disciplined over the last two weeks, but mostly by avoiding situations where I'd be tempted. But I'm going to have to come up with some strategies for dealing with more difficult eating situations if I'm going to manage to stick it out until 2014.

Bellyfat and Bellydance -- Part I

In America, we don't see a lot of bellies in a positive context. Oh sure, we see lots of stomachs -- toned and taut six packs being used to market diet drinks, gym memberships and sex in the form of Victoria's Secret lingerie. But most of the time, when we're confronted with bellies, we are supposed to either laugh at them (e.g. peopleofwalmart.com) or be appalled/ashamed about them -- like that animated ad that appeared in the sidebar of practically every website I visited for at least a year that showed a fat belly shrinking down to a skinny stomach, over and over and over.

There have been some attempts to change this, most notably the Dove Real Body Campaign, but even then, in their most famous image, those stomachs are pretty flat. I don't see any bellies hanging over the top of those briefs:

Maybe they're all sucking in really hard.

But the bellydance world is full of bellies. That's not to say that there aren't some very toned stomachs (quite a few, indeed), but there are an equal number of gushy, jiggly, wobbly bellies. And -- here's the key -- in bellydance, those bellies are presented on the same stages, in the same contexts, at (usually) the same level of celebration and admiration as the more culturally celebrated flat stomachs. 

That's awesome. Many women find it transformative. I know that I often see my own students, after a few classes, pulling their shirts up to expose their bellies -- partly because they want to see what's happening down there, but also, at least in part, because they see me doing it and see that the world didn't end when a woman showed her jiggly belly without apologizing for it. In class and in performance, we bellydancers just get accustomed to see bellies and stomachs of all sizes and within a pretty short period of time, it's often not an issue anymore.

It's unfortunate, then, that the public image of bellydance doesn't seem to incorporate the body positivity that actually exists in most of the bellydance world. I say "most" -- you don't see a lot of pudgy restaurant dancers and I know that there are troupe/company directors who require their dancers to conform to the culturally accepted standards of beauty. This is directly related to the public image of bellydance -- if you are trying to sell a product, you want to give the customer what they (think they) want. I totally get this, and I'm not judging (much). 

But there is great power in simply putting bellies back in the public consciousness in positive contexts. I was at a show recently where I was blown away by a dancer from out of state whom I had never seen before. She was a petite little thing with long dark hair and dark eyes -- the very image of what the general public believes a bellydancer is -- but she also had a very juicy belly. And she took advantage of it. When she shimmied, I couldn't take my eyes off her belly -- it had a life of its own. Much of her movement accentuated the additional motion of her belly reverberations. I wish I had written her name down, and I don't have the program anymore, but watching her dance was, in many ways, a revelation. Getting more bellydancers with bellies out there in front of the general public (instead of just out there in front of ourselves -- because we all know that the majority of the audience at most bellydance shows are other dancers) might be similarly transformative.

I'm going to a workshop with Mardi Love today as a birthday gift to myself. I've been covering my stomach in class and rehearsal lately because I've gained so much weight this fall, but today I'm going to put it out there. It is what it is, and what it is might just be ok.

But at the same time, I do wonder whether some styles of bellydance are better suited to stomachs than bellies... Stay tuned for Part II.

PS: Today marks the first week of my year-long experiment. Eating-wise I have been very disciplined (which isn't unusual at the beginning of a change). Weight-wise... well, I didn't gain (in fact, I lost a little) and that's what I have to keep reminding myself of -- the whole point of this experiment is, at one level, to just stop gaining and to get my carb addiction under control. So: Week 1 = Mission Accomplished.

The Fat Dancer's Dinner: Curry Coconut Lentil Stuff

So it's Day 5 of the great experiment, and everything is going well so far. I've been doing meal planning and thinking ahead so that I don't get caught without any LGL (low glycemic load) options. For example, on Day 1, we went to a lovely wedding (congrats, Joey and Keith!) that included a buffet-style dinner. I had already heard about all the awesome food, like mac and cheese served in a martini glass, and chicken and stuffing, and baked brie -- all things that I can't imagine NOT eating. But, diets are easiest to follow the first week when motivation is high, and this was the first day, so I planned ahead. I made some soup (not this one -- this one is better) and ate a big bowl of it before we went. I truly wasn't hungry.

I did have some punch though. Everyone was in line for punch so I lined up too -- it wasn't until I was halfway through the glass (which was more like a mug) that I realized "Hey, this is full of fruit juice" (no sugary drinks for me until 2014). Then about 2/3 of the way through the glass I realized "Hey, what is IN this stuff -- whoo hoo!" But I just had the one glass. I normally don't drink fruit juice, so I wasn't too worried about this one lapse.

I do drink wine, though. Almost no glycemic load. And there was plenty of that. So -- whew! -- it's all good.

I did eat one tiny mac and cheese noodle off my husband's plate while he was busy taking pictures, if I'm being honest. BUT, I did not have any cake. It was really too beautiful to eat, anyway:

Check the cake topper -- so cute!

Anyway, on with the show. One of the main issues for me with low-carb diets is boredom. But, y'all, I found this recipe for Red Lentil Coconut Soup, and it is so versatile, and so freaking delicious, that I could have this once a week or so and not get tired of it.

I adapted the recipe a bit for my family who a) don't like soupy soups and b) don't like meatless meals, and here's what I came up with. I'm going to start with the base, because you could do almost anything with this base and I think it would be awesome. I'm not calling it a soup -- I'm calling it "stuff" because it's not quite a stew, but definitely not a casserole.

Coconut Curry Lentils -- Base

• 2 cups red split lentils (I couldn't find *red* lentils at either major grocery in town, so I just used lentils)
• 1 onion, finely chopped (the fineness of the chop is up to you, in my opinion)
• 1 red bell pepper cut into 1/2 inch dice
• 1 fresh jalapeno, finely chopped, including seeds if you want some heat
• 1 tablespoon fresh peeled and minced ginger (about 1")
• 2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
• 1 tablespoon curry powder
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1/3 cup tomato paste
• 5 cups of water
• 1 can light coconut milk, unsweetened
• 1 tablespoon lime juice

Heat the tablespoon of olive oil in a dutch oven or large soup pan and add the onions, bell pepper and jalapeno and cook for 5-7 minutes until the vegetables have softened and start to take on some color.  Add the garlic, ginger, spices and tomato paste and continue to cook for 2-3 more minutes until the mixture is toasty and fragrant.  

At this point, the original recipe called for 7 cups of water. That's up to you. I only used 5. Add the water, coconut milk, and lentils and cook uncovered for 20 to 25 minutes adding the lime juice at the end of cooking. Adjust the seasonings if necessary before serving.

Now change it up...

I added three diced boneless chicken breasts when the liquid started boiling, stirring as I added, and let it cook with the lentils. You could also do any or all of the following:

• leftover cooked chicken, chopped
• leftover cooked roast, chopped
• crumbled, cooked bacon
• a bag of frozen cauliflower florets
• a can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
• spinach or kale (we are not kale fans around here -- we've tried, honestly)
• substitute a bag of colorful lentils for the plain or red ones (our Kroger carries a couple lentil mixes) -- just be sure not to use a bean mix that includes beans that need to be soaked or pre-cooked

Garnish and Serve

Cut a little cilantro over the top. I haven't actually tried it, but I imagine some plain yogurt or even some fresh goat cheese would be good on top.

One problem for us with soups and stews is that we're used to eating them with rice or noodles. In this case, I steamed some spinach and put that in the bottom of the bowls, then ladled the stuff over that. But you could also serve this with cauliflower "rice," which is a staple of most low-carb eating.

Here's how it turned out:

Please ignore the state of my stovetop. Thank you.

Nom.

Now, I realize that lentils are not technically low carb. But they do have a relatively low glycemic load -- although every reference book calculates GL differently, which is frustrating. But according to Self Nutrition Data, a cup of lentils has a GL of 13, which puts them in the "medium" range. Good for a day when you're on the low side and can afford it. By contrast, a cup of chick peas has a GL of 23, but they are bulkier and you won't get as many in your bowl if you only use a can of them in place of the lentils. Or you can cut the amount of lentils in half and add more veggies.

My next big challenge is this weekend's workshop with Mardi Love. Not the workshop itself so much, which I'm sure will be fabulous, but eating. I'm used to stopping at Wendy's on the way home but I'll have to plan better now, because I know I will be ravenous. I'll need snacks that are portable, non-perishable, and non-starchy. Making my list now -- I'll let you know how it goes!

The First Step...

… is admitting you have a problem.

So hi guys. I know it’s gone silent around here. Dead air. It’s not that I haven’t had things to say, but for awhile there it was hard to figure out which of the many voices fighting for attention was going to get the floor. This is The Fat Dancer, but should I focus on the Fat part or the Dancer part? Or both? And how?

There was some other stuff going on, too; just life stuff but pretty distracting and also a general time suck, and blogging had to take a back seat for awhile.

And then there’s the happy, happy fact that I’ve managed to gain 15 pounds since I started blogging. In 10 weeks. Quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about body positivity during the hiatus, and I’ll have much more to say on that in the days to come, but in the meantime, my clothes don’t fit. And as much as I’d like to come to terms with, and even learn to love, how I look at this weight, I am not at a place where I can own that. I don’t like feeling squeezed into everything except yoga pants, and I don’t like what I see in the mirror.

Even more than the weight, though, is how I’ve been feeling, which is basically yucky. I’ve been sick more this semester than I can ever remember being. My stress levels are up again, I’m tired, and maybe even a little depressed. Which is ironic given that I justify my carb-eating extravaganzas by telling myself that carbs are what make me happy. Gotta love irony.

I’m also tired of feeling all angsty about my struggle with weight and food (which lately has been less a struggle than a total surrender). I’ve talked before about my carb addiction, and I was half joking, but only half. Now it’s time for rehab. And we all know rehab doesn’t work without accountability.

So I came up with a solution that combines all of my non-day-job hobbies and habits -- dance, writing (in the form of blogging), cooking and body/weight/diet issues – and public accountability. Starting Dec. 1 (which was yesterday, I know, but I’ve been stuck in avoidance mode – so shoot me), and for the next 13 months, I am committing myself to changing my approach to food, and dealing with my carb addiction. With the support of my family (even my cauliflower-hating daughter who knows what she’s in for), I will be switching from the “eat whatever you want” diet (which I have clearly demonstrated is enormously successful at putting on about 1.5 pounds per week) to a low glycemic load diet, which essentially means no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes or white sugar.

I have no illusions that the next 13 months will be easy; nor do I have any expectation that this transition will occur without its occasional slip-ups and mistakes. But I will use this space, at least in part, to blog about my journey.

This does not mean that I am turning this blog into a diet or weight-loss blog. It’s still going to focus on body image, dance, and other related issues. The focus of my experiment is not really weight loss, even though I do expect to lose some weight. But I will not be tracking daily progress or pounds lost per week here. I will be focusing on the fact that I’m doing what I’m doing out of love for myself and as part of honoring the body that works so hard for me. I will NOT be doing this from a place of body hatred – I know that has to change for me to change anything at all.

That doesn’t mean I won’t talk about weight loss if it happens, but that’s not the point. The point, for me, is a) making a transformation that I believe will ultimately have a positive impact on many aspects of my life and b) sticking to something for a year, even when it gets hard.

And when it does get hard, I’ll just tell myself I can wait until Jan. 1, 2014, and then I can eat as much mashed potatoes and pasta as I want. I have some faith that on that day, I won’t want as much as I think I do, and that I will have learned to honor my body enough to not overdo it too much.

In addition to this blog, I’ve started two boards on Pinterest – one on low glycemic load recipes (The Fat Dancer’s Dinner), and one on body image (The Fat Dancer). I’ve got a new logo that should help tie everything together as well. Feel free to follow them as well as this blog.

That leaves only one thing left to do. In the tradition of all rehab programs everywhere, the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem.

My name is Lara, and I have a problem with food. But I’m going to do something about it. Join me on my journey.

It's All in My Head

So, yeah -- I kinda disappeared there for awhile. Much craziness around here, and I've been using my blogging time to do work that should have gotten done when the craziness was happening. I've also had another mental mini-rebellion against thinking about changing my eating habits. I have to wonder -- is this rebellion a just and honest rebellion against the forces in our world that make me feel unnecessarily crappy about myself, or is it a sneaky and underhanded way for the carb-addicted pleasure center in my brain to keep getting everything it wants? I can't figure out the source yet, but I can tell you this -- under the stress of the last couple of weeks, I perceived thinking about changing how I eat as additionally stressful. So I stopped thinking about it.

BUT I have noticed that even without thinking about it consciously, some of that work I was doing has paid off. I am now the last one to finish eating, when I used to be first. I get full faster. I haven't really lost any weight, but I haven't gained any either, which is a victory of its own, I suppose. So now that things are calming down (maybe), I can imagine at least the possibility that I might get back to changing a few more habits in the near future.

In the meantime, though, I've jumped right to Step 4: Stop Sitting. Because I'm now teaching five dance classes a week. I've got eight lovely, wonderful and hard-working new student dancers in our troupe, and we rehearse twice a week; I also started a new job at a cool new studio in town, so I'm teaching three fitness classes there (2 ATS-based and 1 Egyptian-style basics classes). What I've noticed, which is sort of validating, is that even the skinny girls, and even my dance sister who is crazy strong and in Iron-Woman shape, get sweaty, out of breath, and tired -- sometimes even before I do. And I think that that, all by itself, might change a few people's perceptions about what it means (and doesn't mean) when someone is fat. I'm good with that.

Feeling like a dancer again is also really good. Spending all that time in front of the mirror has given me the confidence to agree to perform an entirely new solo for a festival show this weekend, which basically means I have three days to put it together, but I'm not even worried.

So what's the point of all this rambling, anyway? Well, mainly that, whatever is going on in our lives, 90% of the game is mental. And sometimes our brains work against us, which doesn't really seem fair, but it's a fact that seems to have been pretty firmly established by psychologists. We can't always trust our perceptions; sometimes our subconscious helps us rationalize decisions that consciously we didn't want to, or know we shouldn't, make; and a lot of stress in our lives comes from inside our very own heads, not from outside sources.

This was brought home to me yesterday, when I was yet again considering faking some kind of serious illness that would require hospitalization (which would mean *maybe* people would stop complaining, bitching and generally making life miserable for everyone around them, or at least keep it to themselves for awhile). It was so bad that I actually had to close my office door and cry for a little while -- it was that or throw up. Later that afternoon, a colleague who had heard a little bit about what was going on texted me and said, "Hey, it's not your fault." At least I thought that's what he said when I first read the text, and I felt all validated, because that's what *I* was saying to myself. But then I read it again, later when things had calmed down a little, and what he was actually saying was: "Hey, knock it off. You are not responsible for the outcome of a process that involves almost 20 people. You can't control it, so get over yourself." He didn't use those exact words, but that was what he meant.

And that's when I realized (again): Wow, everyone else sees the world really differently than I do. My perceptions about myself and my role in the world cannot be trusted. And I can't control it. So I should stop worrying about it and just get on with life. And that's kind of a huge relief.

I ran across this image the other day; I think it's pretty apropos as a mantra for this week.

I'm thinking maybe I should be working on these steps instead of my 5 S's, and focus on changing my mind first, before I try to change my body. Maybe I'll even decide my body doesn't need that much changing after all.

Fashion Tips from The Fat Dancer

So, this past weekend I had a lot of people ask me where I got my coverup, which I also used as a dress at the gala Saturday night. If you are a belly dancer, you know that coverups in a caftan style can run well over $100, especially if you are looking for something that does not immediately scream "house coat." Mine cost $35, and it is gorgeous (I'm not bragging -- I had nothing to do with its gorgeousness other than being lucky enough to find it and scoop it up).

I got this lovely little gem on eBay from Egypt -- ok, nothing so unusual about that. Who hasn't bought something from Egypt (or Turkey or India or China) on eBay? But here's my tip: don't search for "belly dance" stuff. Search for clothes that are marketed to Arabic/Muslim women. I found an incredible treasure trove of beautiful things (not only on eBay) by searching for "abaya," "galabaya" and/or "jilbab."

Now, it's true that this piece does not close up the front -- it's an over-the-head job that is sometimes really tricky to get on and off. However, I chose this pattern specifically because it could be cut up the front; throw on a few fancy frog fasteners and it's a little more useable as a coverup for before and after performances. But this thing fits so beautifully that I don't even want to cut it. It's amazingly flattering on me, which doesn't happen that often with dancewear, so I may just keep this one the way it is, and order another one to turn into a caftan. I can even imagine doing a folkloric piece in this, just the way it is.

So dancers, go investigate a whole new world of much more reasonably priced dresses. I mean, personally, I'd wear this around town every day in the fall, and it's only $50 (with shipping, three pieces):

Updated: Body Gratitude

Hi everybody! I'm back from my weekend of dance extravaganzas and getting into the swing of a new teaching schedule -- whew! Blogging time was in short supply this weekend (and in Monday's aftermath), but never fear -- I'm still here! (I know you were worried.)

Last week I wrote a verging-on-pissy post about body image and linked to Amy Poehler's video about learning to show gratitude to your body, but this weekend, as I was dancing my little heart out, I had a moment of real gratitude for what my body can do.

Way back in early August I taught a workshop for a bunch of really wonderful ladies, and that was pretty much the last time I really danced. Our troupe took a vacation from rehearsals, and I kept putting off my own practice in favor of getting ready for the start of a new school year, and any other excuse I could find. So Saturday morning, as I prepared for six hours of dance class, I was a little worried. But my body hung in there and took everything I threw at it, even when I did some things that I know I shouldn't do (like slide my hips horizontally over a weighted leg while my rib cage is sliding the opposite direction over the unweighted leg, which will put my back out faster than ... I don't know, something that's really fast -- so sue me, my brain checked out sometime Sunday afternoon and it hasn't come back yet).

In fact, speaking of brain check-out, Sunday morning I trotted back for another six hours of dancing, and at about hour 2, my brain-body connection broke. It wasn't that my body stopped working -- it's that my brain shorted out and refused to recall any of the combinations we had been working on. I couldn't remember what was coming next anymore, and when I get behind on weight changes and turns, that's when I get hurt. I had to stop, as much as I didn't want to, because my brain quit on me -- but my body never quit.

Credit: Lawrence Yang

I've been in a bit of a brain fog since then, but my body is still hanging in there. I've taught two classes since then, and it's still going strong. I'm not injured and I'm not even that sore. Actually, it feels like my body is thanking me for moving again. I want to remember this feeling, because I always think that my body is thanking me for sitting on the couch and not bothering it. Turns out, I really do want to move (or at least my body does. I think it's Carolena Nericcio who talks about how our brains really don't want to move, because, evolutionarily speaking, it's safer, from the brain's perspective, to stay still).

So thanks, body, for hanging in there, for supporting me as I move, for keeping me balanced, for engaging the right muscles at the right time, for releasing what needs to be released and for finding a way to keep going even when I'm tired. You're awesome!

Progress report:

There is no progress to report, but that's ok.

UPDATE: Apparently my brain did not like me talking smack about it, and so it smote me with a migraine. Watch out, brain -- you used to be my favorite, but I'm starting to think maybe body has more going for it...

Meditation for a Friday

Today is my last day of rest before I dive into my new schedule of teaching dance classes three times a week and leading troupe rehearsal twice a week. This weekend, I kick off my return to a crazy dance schedule by attending two intensive workshops -- one with Aziza of Montreal and one with Sera Solstice. I don't know which one I am more excited about!  Also, I will get to see some of my friends perform tomorrow night at the show -- go, girls!

I've been feeling conflicted about my messaging here -- is it simply about developing a positive body image or is it about changing my body so I can feel better about it? I saw this yesterday and it clarified a lot for me:

So the answer is both, and I'll try to keep that in mind as I'm sweating my ass off (and praying my knees don't decide to go sideways when I'm not expecting it).

Have an awesome weekend!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%

Wanted: A New Perspective

It's been a rough couple of days for me --  not only have I been losing some of the ground I had gained on changing some of my unhelpful eating habits, but I have also gained back all the weight I lost since embarking on this project, plus half a pound.

Sigh.

And then I saw these pictures, from a recent picnic:

Yeah, let's take a closer look at that:

This takes me right back to my very first post -- this is NOT how I think I look. I am surprised and dismayed every time I am confronted with pictures of myself. I feel an intense self-loathing, which I don't normally walk around with, when I see myself through the camera's eye. Sometimes my daughter borrows my phone to take pictures of herself, and she leaves the camera on the setting where the it looks towards the user instead of outward. Then I come along and want to take a picture, and the first thing I see is myself on that screen and it always makes me jump like it's Halloween at the haunted house -- "Oh my God, what the hell is that!?!?!"

So this video from Amy Poehler showed up in my Facebook news feed this morning at exactly the right time, and even though I've heard the message before -- and I'm pretty sure you have, too -- it bears repeating:

So, here's my attempt at gratitude toward my body:

1. I have good fingernails. Seriously, even my manicurist envies them. 
2. I have good feet. They are big, but somehow don't look like boats.
3. I have pretty good hair, although I wish it would stop falling out.
4. I don't throw up a lot. I'm really grateful for that because there is nothing I hate more.
5. I don't have to shave very often. Guess I don't have much testosterone.
6. I have good skin, and I don't have to do anything special or expensive to maintain it.
7. ...

That's pretty much all I could come up with this morning. I couldn't think of a single thing between my neck and my ankles to put on the list. But that's probably because I'm very grumpy about all this stuff today. 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I need to find a way to change my thinking about myself as well as my eating. I'm going to work on a plan, and as soon as I have one, I'll let you all know. Of course, one solution is to remove all mirrors from my house and never look at pictures of myself. Denial, as they say, is not just a river in Egypt.

But seriously, I think Amy is on to something here, and I've heard it in different words from lots of different sources: would you talk to your daughter the way you talk to yourself when it comes to her body and her beauty? Would you let someone else talk to you the way you talk to yourself when it comes to your body and your beauty? Why do so many of us have this constant negative, mean and downright hateful soundtrack running in our heads all day? 

There's a balance here, of course. When I look at pictures of myself, I don't want to feel self-hatred, but I also want to take the reality check seriously. I have to face the facts that the camera is showing me, and change what I can change if I don't like what it shows me. This is not about giving up, but about finding a way to stay focused on the positive rather than the negative when it comes to weight and body image. And I really, really need that change in perspective.

In the meantime, I'm going all the way back to the beginning with my steps. I added too many too soon, I think. So now, I'm only focusing on eating with empty hands until I can do it 100% for several days in a row.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 80%

<-- Backslider!

That's me :) I've been less focused on my eating habits as my life has gotten crazy busy the last couple of days. So my progress report is more of a regress report for yesterday, but now that I've gotten a lot of stuff off my list (and gotten some much needed positive feedback on some non-dance-related work), I've felt more able to concentrate.

Notice how I'm working really hard not to say that I've been bad. I haven't been bad. I've been pretty good actually -- I just haven't been paying attention to one thing while I spend some of my attention budget elsewhere. It's all good. I got a new dress yesterday and I am going to rock it tomorrow. Maybe I'll even post pictures!

In the meantime, I'm loving the enthusiasm our eight new dancers are bringing to my dance life. If only we can find a time when all 12 of us are free to rehearse!

Bob Marley apparently said a lot of cool stuff...

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 45%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 65%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 30%

Wow...

So my last post seemed to resonate with a lot of people, at least based on traffic to my little blog. Thanks for sharing it around, guys! :)

Yesterday was definitely a happy dance day. We had a successful audition and have eight new student members (one of whom, I swear to God, looks exactly like Sharon Kihara) and I finally got to dance again. I have been super busy doing dance stuff (scheduling classes, planning auditions, working with a new studio owner) but haven't actually been doing much dancing of late. That all changes next week, as I start a new three-a-week schedule, plus I'm going to a super-awesome workshop this weekend that I know will leave me wiped out -- in a good way.

I'm thinking of asking the owner of the new studio I'm working with to post this somewhere:

I would also like to hang it from my rear-view mirror, post it above my bathroom mirror, and in my home studio in giant letters on the back wall.

Much love, everyone! Have a great Monday!

Progress report (gotta keep working):
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 50%

Slap the Apology from Your Posture...

This poem has been going around Facebook for a few weeks, along with the accompanying photo, but it speaks so clearly to me about the primal power of dance, and women's dances in particular, to be transformative -- for the audience AND the dancer.

Photo credit: Chad Faith

We have come to be danced

Not the pretty dance

Not the pretty pretty, pick me, pick me dance

But the claw our way back into the belly 

Of the sacred, sensual animal dance 

The unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance

The holding the precious moment in the palms

of our hands and feet dance.

We have come to be danced

Not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance

But the wring the sadness from our skin dance 

The blow the chip off our shoulder dance. 

The slap the apology from our posture dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the monkey see, monkey do dance

One two dance like you 

One two three, dance like me dance 

But the grave robber, tomb stalker 

Tearing scabs and scars open dance 

The rub the rhythm raw against our soul dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle

But the matted hair flying, voodoo mama shaman shaking ancient bones dance 

The strip us from our casings, return our wings 

sharpen our claws and tongues dance 

The shed dead cells and slip into the luminous skin of love dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow 

end of the floor dance but the meeting of the trinity: 

the body, breath and beat dance 

The shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance

The mother may I? Yes you may take ten giant leaps dance

The olly olly oxen free free free dance 

The everyone can come to our heaven dance. 

We have come to be danced

Where the kingdoms collide

In the cathedral of flesh

To burn back into the light 

To unravel, to play, to fly, to pray 

To root in skin sanctuary 

We have come to be danced! We have come.” 

~ by Jewel Mathieson

from her book "This Dance: A Poultice of Poems" (jewelmathieson.blogspot.com)

I am in love with the imagery in this piece -- the way the poem calls out all the energy, self-confidence, attitude, strength and self-knowledge that comes from dancing, if you let it, if you stop doing "the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle" and shout hallelujah from the top of your thighs instead.

We had a workshop for students interested in being involved with our student troupe yesterday and I watched these young women work very hard, concentrating on reconnecting with movement that no longer feels natural to them -- the way hips move up when you shift your weight, or back when you take a step. We in the West are so tight in our hips, so locked in, many of us have lost touch with the simple sway, curve and bounce that happens when we walk. The movement becomes tentative, and our posture along with it. Once we reconnect with that natural rhythm of the body in simply walking in time to music, we are already dancing. The rest is just window dressing. But it doesn't look like dance until you slap the apology from your posture, hold your head up and your shoulders back, and own the space you occupy with all the pride you can possibly muster.

At that point, the body becomes merely a vessel for the spirit that is you, shining through. And 15 or 30 or 60 or 100 "extra" pounds doesn't matter in the least.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 85%

Eat Slow, Step 3: Small Bites

I'm getting closer to my goal of 100% compliance with steps 1 and 2 (eating with empty hands and chewing thoroughly), so it's time to slow it down even more -- small bites. I think this will be a real challenge for me, since part of what I love about eating is having a full mouth. On the other hand, feeling full sooner will probably be the one biggest step toward being a bit lighter. Given that I have a new-found love for really high heels, my knees and feet will definitely be thanking me when I'm putting less stress on them. But really, who could resist these?

Alexander McQueen Buckled Oxford Bootie

Anyway, I'm feeling super validated today because my baby steps have been working. I'm down 2.5 pounds this week, without changing much of anything about my eating or exercise other than slowing down. Being even a tiny bit more mindful has helped me feel more proactive, which seems to have bled over into everything else, because I had an amazingly productive week, despite all the stress.

Onward and upwards (or downwards!)

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 65% 
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 75%

A Not-So-Painful Divorce

"I was so good today -- I didn't eat anything that wasn't on my plan." "I've been really bad this week -- I've had desert every night." Argh.

Let's divorce self-worth from eating habits. I am not bad if I eat "bad" food. Eating is eating. My self-worth and value to this world don't have anything to do with what I eat.

Don't get me wrong -- there is a lot to be said for acquiring self-discipline. Self-discipline is a true virtue. It is a worthy goal to work toward. And there's no question that self-discipline is required if you are, like me, trying to change unhealthy habits, whether they are related to eating or not. But give yourself a break, for God's sake. It takes a long time to change habits that you may have had for 20 or 30 years (or more).

Setting goals is also, generally speaking, a good thing. But if you don't reach a goal, does that make you BAD? Are you supposed to go sit in the corner because maybe an old habit kicked in before you had time to think? Are you less of a human being because you got sidetracked or did something else with your time?

This realization hit me the other day, as I was procrastinating once again but not feeling the slightest bit guilty about it. I have had a "goal," so to speak, to get my laundry done for about 10 days. I finally did it yesterday sort of by accident. Like, in between doing other stuff I figured, "hey, might as well throw that in too." But between the day I made the giant laundry pile 10 days ago and yesterday, every night when I went to bed I saw the big huge laundry pile. And never once did I say to myself, "God, I SUCK. I totally failed at getting that laundry done. I'm disgusting!" I felt perfectly fine about it, because I knew it would get done eventually.

Another example: I am a teacher, and I often have giant stacks of papers to grade. These take forever and I hate doing it. I always make a deal with myself that I will do so many a day for the next however many days, and that way it won't be too bad, blah blah blah. Never happens. I'm always down to the wire, the weekend before they're due back, spending hours at a time grading. When I am looking at that giant stack of papers on Friday afternoon, I might have slight regret that I didn't start earlier, but I don't for one second even consider starting in with a giant load of self-hatred. I do not connect my self-worth to the fact that I have a tendency to procrastinate.

A final example: when it is my turn to change the litter box, I often procrastinate (surprise, surprise). Every time I pass it, I think, "Yeah, I need to do that." But two or three days might go by. Do I beat myself up over the fact that I "failed" to change the litter box every time I pass it? No. Never. Now, the consequences of not changing it get increasingly unpleasant, which can also be the case with procrastinating on your habit-changing goals, but it gets done eventually.

So why is it that so many people, when they slip back into an old eating habit, or procrastinate getting started on building some new eating habits, pour self-loathing all over themselves like some kind of horrible oily bath of shame? I do it too, but I'm pretty sick of it and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Yes, there are negative consequences from not doing what you set out to do sometimes. If I didn't do laundry, I'd run out of underwear. If I don't grade the papers, I could lose my job. If I don't change the litter box, the cats are going to start finding new places to poop and... ew. There are also negative consequences from bad eating habits, or any other bad habits. But causes and consequences are just that -- issues related to logic, not emotion. And besides, telling yourself how horrible you are because you failed to meet a goal isn't actually helping you once the time for meeting that goal has passed. It's already gone. All you can do is figure out another way to get there, or pick yourself up and try again.

People need to eat. Sometimes they eat food that nourishes their bodies. Sometimes they eat food that makes their brain chemistry do a happy dance. Sometimes they eat more than they need. Sometimes they forget to eat. None of that -- none of it -- has anything to do with whether that person is kind, generous, thoughtful, pleasant, a good friend, a good worker, or anything else that makes us valuable as human beings.

It's Friday -- go be awesome!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 100%

Getting closer to my goal!

Eat Slow, Step 2: Empty Mouth

I've been cheating and working on doing this one before I've completely mastered eating with empty hands. But they just seem to go hand in hand: don't put more food in your hands while you're still chewing (step 1) and chew until all the food is gone (step 2).

I was skeptical that I was going to make progress on either of these things, given how ingrained my eating habits are, but it's actually getting easier to practice mindful eating. So, yeah, maybe behavior modification experts know what they're talking about.

In fact, I've had a really stressful week so far, and I have still managed to stay focused on my baby steps, so I'm feeling really optimistic that even if nothing else changes, just eating slowly is going to have an impact on how much I eat, which is less about weight loss than about not feeling sleepy and exhausted all the time from being in a carb coma.

Ok, time for coffee and a little pre-work work. Maybe I'll even get some dancing in today.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%

Stressball

Stress and lack of sleep go hand in hand. They also apparently have a role in weight gain (as in, if you are stressed and/or if you don't get enough sleep, you tend to weigh more). I haven't slept soundly since my daughter was born -- the tiniest sound usually wakes me up -- but sometimes I'm not sleeping at all, soundly or otherwise. Last night was one of those nights.

It's like there's this dam somewhere behind my eyes and all the stress-inducing stuff in my life builds up behind it. And then, at about 2:30 in the morning, the dam breaks and my eyes slam open and everything that hasn't gotten done, or that I've forgotten about, or that I didn't forget about but just don't want to think about goes parading through my mind like a friggin' Mardi Gras parade, just as noisy but way less fun. Nobody brings beads or alcohol, for one thing.

I've tried all the strategies, from writing down everything that keeps running through my mind to convince my brain that it doesn't need to keep reminding me every five minutes to deep breathing to self distraction to getting up for a bit. Nothing really worked last night until about 30 minutes before I had to get up. So now, not only do I have a shit-ton of stuff to do, I'm tired and cranky. Yay.

Anyway, there is one thing that always eventually works, if I let it. It's this handy little app called SleepStream 2, and it not only has nature sounds and white noise, but it also has binaural tones and programs for both relaxation and energy, depending on what you need. I use it all the time and it really helps me get out of my head. There are lots of similar apps out there for iPhone and Droid, so if you prefer all nature sounds, or all white noise, or a mix, there's something out there for you. [To be honest, sometimes I use Ricky Gervais podcasts as a kind of white noise to fall asleep to -- I've listened to them all so often I don't really have to pay attention and it ends up being a very pleasant background drone.] If you're more relaxed and well-rested, you'll be able to manage everything better and reach your goals sooner. Give it a try!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 90%

I'm getting closer to my first goal, and it's getting easier!

You Can't Wait Until...

Let's turn attention to the relationship between body image and living life for a moment. Obviously, the process I'm undergoing to bring my awesome "inner" me more in line with my maybe-not-quite-as-awesome "outer" me is going to take a long time. Realistically, changing your body -- whatever that means for you -- takes a long time. It takes a long time to get strong(er). It takes a long time to get fit(ter). Even if you get there, it takes some brain re-training to stay there. Under normal circumstances, it takes a long time to change habits and change your life.

You can't wait until things are exactly the way you want them to start living. As I think we've established, by any objective measure I am fat. Most people (in the US, at least) think of bellydancers as ... well, not fat. There are a variety of reasons for this, not all of them necessarily positive for the art of raqs sharqui, but that's a topic for another day. It's not like I started out dancing and then got fat -- I was fat when I started. But it was something I wanted to do, so I did it. And I loved it. And I wasn't that good at the beginning, because let's face it -- dance (any dance) is not as easy as it looks and being good at it requires practice and investment in education. But because I loved it, I got better. I got stronger. I was still fat, but by God I started to get muscle definition that made the fat look different. And after awhile, it just didn't seem to matter that I wasn't the typical body shape for a dancer. I'm no Ranya Renee, and I'll never be Rachel Brice, but that's ok. I kept at it, kept performing, kept studying, kept practicing and earlier this year, I won a competition. It was a small local competition with a field of about eight dancers, but the second place winner is a professional dancer and both the second- and third-place winners are less than half my size. That was sort of validating, to say the least. I've entered another competition that's coming up in about six months, and if I don't win, that's ok -- just participating is another step in my growth doing something I really love.

You may have different loves. But don't wait until things are perfect, or until you are perfect, to start them. That day will never come. Just jump in. You're not going to be the best at something right away, no matter what. That can't be your standard. Just go for the best you can be at that moment.

So since I've started this blog, I've lost 1.5 pounds, just by eating more slowly and intentionally. I might be a big, giant tortoise, but maybe I'll still get there in the end.

Photo: Tim Laman/National Geographic

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%

The Importance of Forks

The key to eating with nothing in your hands between bites is... not eating with your hands. You would not believe how fast I shoved some monkey bread down this morning, mostly because I was holding it in my hands while I ate.

But to be fair, look at that... Nom...

From now on, all food will go on a plate and I will use a utensil to eat it (except for popcorn -- I mean, come on). I need to do something to break the eating habits I have that are so ingrained I don't even think about them until it's too late. We went out to eat last night -- no bueno on the slow eating. I did make good choices, and I stopped eating when I was full, but I didn't even think about putting the fork down between bites. I'm thinking about tying my fingers together before I eat, just to remind me to slow down.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 30%

Combo 1: Eat Slow

I'm a dancer, so when I try to break down a huge project into manageable parts, I think in terms of combinations, which are made up of specific steps. The first "combo" I'm going to work on memorizing, which in dance terms means literally getting it "into your body" -- a particularly apt metaphor when I'm working on body image -- is eating more slowly and giving myself time to feel full.

The first step in this combo is: don't have food in your hand (or on your fork) until the food in your mouth is gone. Sounds simple, right? I started working on this yesterday, with about 50 percent success. Eating cherry tomatoes, my habit is to bring one up to my mouth and then get my hand back in the bowl as fast as possible to get ready to shove another one in. Same with pita chips, good Gruyere cheese or popcorn (which is pretty much what I ate yesterday). It takes a real effort to have absolutely nothing in my hand while I'm chewing. But it does result in paying more attention to the activity of eating rather than the activity of getting food in my mouth.  I had way less success with the pieces of artisan bread we brought home yesterday. Those I pretty much shoved right in -- it was so heavenly good. So still lots more work to do here. My goal is to get two whole days of 100% empty hands while chewing.

We discovered a new thing yesterday, by the way, that made a really good snack as a dip for pita chips and cherry tomatoes: edamame hummus. High protein, low calorie, very filling. And yeah, it tastes like hummus.

The point of starting this blog, at least in part, is to hold myself accountable to someone other than myself, because I'm pretty easy on myself when it comes to meeting goals. So I'll end each post with a progress report of my success with my current goal, like this:

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 50%

Working the Steps

So, getting the "inside me" to meet the "outside me" in the middle will definitely involve changing some things, including changing some things about the way I think, but also accepting that maybe there are some things that just aren't realistically going to change in the next year, or five years, or maybe ever.

One of those things that's not going to change is my relationship to carbs. Carbohydrates are my kryptonite, but only if Superman was not only weakened by kryptonite but also loved it and wanted to roll around in it every chance he got. When I was a kid, it was a family joke that if we ever went to a buffet, my plate would be covered in white food -- mashed potatoes, white gravy, rice, chicken and dumplings, noodles, pudding -- if it was starchy and sort of mushy and filled your mouth completely with awesomeness, then I was all over it (or it was all over me). I'm still that way, although that family joke has done what most family jokes do and shamed me into changing my behavior -- sort of. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love vegetables (and not just the starchy ones) and protein and foods of all colors, but does anyone ever crave a green bean? I don't. When I think about sinking into a state of food-induced ecstasy, I'm thinking french fries, mashed potatoes, orzo, egg noodles, dumplings, fresh hot white bread, cookie dough. I am not thinking chicken breast.

C'mon, admit it -- you didn't even notice that there WAS chicken in this picture.

My daughter has a friend who does not like mashed potatoes. I do not understand how this is possible. My stepson does not like anything that has a pudding consistency. What is wrong with these people? In the interest of full disclosure, these people are also both skinny. So... yeah.

Carbs literally make me happy. And in that sense, although I have never done the kinds of drugs that get you thrown in jail or cause you to need rehab, I believe that carbs are heroin. For me. My behavior in relation to carbs is very much like what I have seen on TV shows about rehab (so I'm totally an expert on this subject). I know they are bad for me, but eating them makes me physically happy in that they feel good in my mouth and emotionally happy in that I get very excited about eating them and am sad when they are gone. I try to give them up, which means going cold turkey, and it's ok for awhile, but I know they're out there. Other people are eating them. People all around me are enjoying that thing that I know would be so awesome.

People rehabbing are supposed to get new friends so they aren't tempted back into their old ways. I totally get that -- but I also get the junkie's resistance to doing this. Who wants to hang around a bunch of non-carb-eating people? How can they possibly be any fun? What joy do they have in their lives? A life without carbs must be a very sad and colorless life, pretending to be enthusiastic about any food other than bread, potatoes, rice and pasta.  But I hang in there for awhile; I try to think about all the reasons that I'm not eating carbs. I try to convince myself I feel SO MUCH BETTER without them. And I do lose weight.

But the siren call is always there and eventually I'll have a piece of bread. And it's so fucking good. Like better than sex or anything else. No, really. This is something I don't think naturally skinny people get. The best physical sensation my body produces comes from eating. Yeah, orgasms are good, but they require effort and don't last very long. Eating a chocolate chip cookie hot from the oven requires no effort, lasts as long as the cookies last, and is instantly repeatable. That's the problem, really.

Once I've had that piece of bread, I'll be back on carbs within a week, wondering why I ever thought not eating carbs was a good idea. And then the weight comes back on as well.  I totally understand why addicts cycle in and out of rehab -- the negative effects of your addiction get bad enough that you want to do something about it, so you try to stop indulging your addiction and the negative effects go away, but the addiction doesn't go away, and the memory of how awesome that addicting thing is doesn't go away either. Once the negative effects subside, that memory takes up a little more of your active consciousness every day.

I know 12-step programs are designed to help people re-construct a life knowing that they will always be addicted and that they can't have the thing that they're addicted to. Maybe Overeaters Anonymous is where I should be. But at this point in my life, I'm not going back to rehab (no, no, no). I'm going to try to be the alcoholic who still drinks a little instead. Lucky for me, if I do fall off the wagon, with my addiction I'm unlikely to kill anyone or get arrested, so the stakes are a lot lower. Also lucky for me, it appears that, in the realm of food addiction, there's some good evidence that it's actually possible to eat your cake and have it too (but not too much!).

So the thing I am willing to change is how I eat, to start with, as well as what I eat, within reason. I'm not quite ready for the total life makeover that 12 steps require, so I came up with my own 5 Steps:

1. Eat slow
2. Eat small
3. Eat smart
4. Stop Sitting!
5. Stay positive

Let's call them the 5 (or 6) S's. My goal is to work on one step at a time until I get it down to a habit that I don't have to think about anymore. I'll be tracking my progress here, starting tomorrow. I'll also be supplementing that with other stuff I've found helpful from The Beck Diet for Life, which is based on cognitive behavior therapy -- in other words, changing the way you think. Maybe if I work these 5 steps long enough, someday I'll actually believe that green bean fries will make me just as happy as McDonalds fries.