Changing My Perspective on "Diet"

So, before I dive in, I just want to say that this blog focuses on my journey and is not intended to be a prescription for anyone else's. In other words, I'm in no way suggesting that anything I did or do is what everyone should do or be. I'm mainly writing this for myself. If anyone out there finds anything I say helpful, that's great! I am very aware, however, that those of us outside the norms of what society finds acceptable in terms of size are so often bombarded with advice directives in the form of advice -- everyone is always telling us what we should be doing differently, or what we should never eat, or how we should be changing any and every little thing. I'm trying to be sensitive to that, and only speak about what helped ME.

That said, there are two things that have really helped me get to where I am over the last year: feeling good (i.e. healthy) and looking good (i.e. finding clothes and other things that help me love what I see in the mirror). I'm hoping to alternate posts between these two things and general inspiration/thoughts about body positivity in our culture.

I'll start with feeling good and how I changed my diet to positively impact how I feel. On April 1 of last year, I decided to start just tracking what I was eating. I had gained a lot of weight, and I just didn't feel well. But, I have plenty of experience with so very many diets, and wasn't enthusiastic about re-committing to any of them. I just can't face another low-carb diet, even though they work for me. Calorie restriction also works, but I'm very concerned about the unnatural the additives in "diet" food, and the emerging research that shows that a lot of these additives mess with your body chemistry. I promised myself no judgement and no guilt -- I was just going to log everything I ate and get some insight about what I might, eventually, want to change.

I knew there were apps that would help me with this, and the first one I went with was HealthWatch 360, for one major reason -- the micro-nutrient tracking is the best I've seen anywhere, and since I was more interested in my overall  health than simply in losing weight, I really liked having this information available.

HealthWatch 360 food log and calorie tracker

HealthWatch 360 has a website and an app (iPhone and Android), and I used both (they sync, even though the website and the app have slightly different names). Basically, you enter everything you eat, doing the best you can to be accurate as to portion sizes, and their software calculates not only calories, carbs, protein, fat but even things like iron, vitamin D, Zinc, Potassium, Niacin and 22 other micro-nutrients, including cholesterol. It also breaks down the fat and carb analysis into various categories. As you track, the app calculates a nutrition score (out of 100 points) that tells you whether you're in the "green," "yellow" or "red" for that day. Below the score, little green smilies, yellow neutral faces or red frownies tell you which particular micro-nutrient is contributing to your score, for better or worse, and which foods contributed to the problem, if there is one. A click will take you to a more detailed analysis.

Like many other similar apps, you can set weight loss goals with HealthWatch 360, which will give you a calorie goal for each day, but the other unique feature is that you can track how you feel, how you're sleeping, your blood pressure and other health indicators and then set the app to look for trends that might be linked (or not) to diet. Like you can track sugar intake and energy levels, or protein intake and how well you sleep. There's an exercise log as well, where you can track your exercise, and also gain back calories (if you're tracking those).

Starting out, this was exactly the kind of information I was looking for, and it was a big eye-opener, especially when it came to exactly how many calories, and how much fat and sugar, I was consuming, and how little of other vital nutrients. It wasn't so much the amount of fat and sugar that was shocking -- it was the percentage of my diet that was taken up by those two components. Just having that knowledge motivated me to pay a little more attention to what I was choosing to eat, and how much. After a couple weeks of tracking, I felt ready to begin a more concerted effort to try to lose weight, and improve my health, by staying under a specific calorie target, and watching fat and sugar intake was a major component of that effort. I also used the micro-nutrient information to make sure I was choosing things that were lower in sodium and higher in iron, B vitamins and other places where I know my typical diet is deficient.

After a few months I did get really frustrated with their food database, which was very limited compared to My Fitness Pal, especially because I cook a lot and it was hard to find specific products for the recipe ingredients. So once I had a good baseline in terms of the kind of food I should and should not be choosing, I switched over to My Fitness Pal, which has a fantastic database and also has a more generous (in my opinion) calorie allowance for weight loss goals. Over the summer, however, HealthWatch 360 made some upgrades, which included expanding their database, so I switched back. It definitely is better than it was, but the searches are often a little weird and it's not always easy to find some products or ingredients.

As I continue to monitor my health, I'm no longer that interested in weight loss per se, or calorie counts. But I've stuck with tracking my food intake via HealthWatch 360 because I have chronic deficiencies in a couple areas (iron, Vitamin D and calcium, to name three). The iron deficiency is caused by biologic and genetic factors so it's not entirely addressable via diet, but it is good to know when I'm in danger of having a day with little to no iron intake.

I can't stress enough how important it was to head into tracking food with the attitude that I was just seeking information, rather than using it as another way to beat myself up. Just knowing how what I'm eating contributes to how my body functions and approaching nutrition from a health perspective, instead of from a perspective that emphasizes restriction and "good/bad" foods, was a really eye-opening change for me that helped me see eating as something I could do to take care of myself, rather than something that was either a punishment or a reward.

If anyone knows the original source of this image, let me know.

The First Step...

… is admitting you have a problem.

So hi guys. I know it’s gone silent around here. Dead air. It’s not that I haven’t had things to say, but for awhile there it was hard to figure out which of the many voices fighting for attention was going to get the floor. This is The Fat Dancer, but should I focus on the Fat part or the Dancer part? Or both? And how?

There was some other stuff going on, too; just life stuff but pretty distracting and also a general time suck, and blogging had to take a back seat for awhile.

And then there’s the happy, happy fact that I’ve managed to gain 15 pounds since I started blogging. In 10 weeks. Quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about body positivity during the hiatus, and I’ll have much more to say on that in the days to come, but in the meantime, my clothes don’t fit. And as much as I’d like to come to terms with, and even learn to love, how I look at this weight, I am not at a place where I can own that. I don’t like feeling squeezed into everything except yoga pants, and I don’t like what I see in the mirror.

Even more than the weight, though, is how I’ve been feeling, which is basically yucky. I’ve been sick more this semester than I can ever remember being. My stress levels are up again, I’m tired, and maybe even a little depressed. Which is ironic given that I justify my carb-eating extravaganzas by telling myself that carbs are what make me happy. Gotta love irony.

I’m also tired of feeling all angsty about my struggle with weight and food (which lately has been less a struggle than a total surrender). I’ve talked before about my carb addiction, and I was half joking, but only half. Now it’s time for rehab. And we all know rehab doesn’t work without accountability.

So I came up with a solution that combines all of my non-day-job hobbies and habits -- dance, writing (in the form of blogging), cooking and body/weight/diet issues – and public accountability. Starting Dec. 1 (which was yesterday, I know, but I’ve been stuck in avoidance mode – so shoot me), and for the next 13 months, I am committing myself to changing my approach to food, and dealing with my carb addiction. With the support of my family (even my cauliflower-hating daughter who knows what she’s in for), I will be switching from the “eat whatever you want” diet (which I have clearly demonstrated is enormously successful at putting on about 1.5 pounds per week) to a low glycemic load diet, which essentially means no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes or white sugar.

I have no illusions that the next 13 months will be easy; nor do I have any expectation that this transition will occur without its occasional slip-ups and mistakes. But I will use this space, at least in part, to blog about my journey.

This does not mean that I am turning this blog into a diet or weight-loss blog. It’s still going to focus on body image, dance, and other related issues. The focus of my experiment is not really weight loss, even though I do expect to lose some weight. But I will not be tracking daily progress or pounds lost per week here. I will be focusing on the fact that I’m doing what I’m doing out of love for myself and as part of honoring the body that works so hard for me. I will NOT be doing this from a place of body hatred – I know that has to change for me to change anything at all.

That doesn’t mean I won’t talk about weight loss if it happens, but that’s not the point. The point, for me, is a) making a transformation that I believe will ultimately have a positive impact on many aspects of my life and b) sticking to something for a year, even when it gets hard.

And when it does get hard, I’ll just tell myself I can wait until Jan. 1, 2014, and then I can eat as much mashed potatoes and pasta as I want. I have some faith that on that day, I won’t want as much as I think I do, and that I will have learned to honor my body enough to not overdo it too much.

In addition to this blog, I’ve started two boards on Pinterest – one on low glycemic load recipes (The Fat Dancer’s Dinner), and one on body image (The Fat Dancer). I’ve got a new logo that should help tie everything together as well. Feel free to follow them as well as this blog.

That leaves only one thing left to do. In the tradition of all rehab programs everywhere, the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem.

My name is Lara, and I have a problem with food. But I’m going to do something about it. Join me on my journey.

Eat Slow, Step 3: Small Bites

I'm getting closer to my goal of 100% compliance with steps 1 and 2 (eating with empty hands and chewing thoroughly), so it's time to slow it down even more -- small bites. I think this will be a real challenge for me, since part of what I love about eating is having a full mouth. On the other hand, feeling full sooner will probably be the one biggest step toward being a bit lighter. Given that I have a new-found love for really high heels, my knees and feet will definitely be thanking me when I'm putting less stress on them. But really, who could resist these?

Alexander McQueen Buckled Oxford Bootie

Anyway, I'm feeling super validated today because my baby steps have been working. I'm down 2.5 pounds this week, without changing much of anything about my eating or exercise other than slowing down. Being even a tiny bit more mindful has helped me feel more proactive, which seems to have bled over into everything else, because I had an amazingly productive week, despite all the stress.

Onward and upwards (or downwards!)

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 65% 
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 75%

Eat Slow, Step 2: Empty Mouth

I've been cheating and working on doing this one before I've completely mastered eating with empty hands. But they just seem to go hand in hand: don't put more food in your hands while you're still chewing (step 1) and chew until all the food is gone (step 2).

I was skeptical that I was going to make progress on either of these things, given how ingrained my eating habits are, but it's actually getting easier to practice mindful eating. So, yeah, maybe behavior modification experts know what they're talking about.

In fact, I've had a really stressful week so far, and I have still managed to stay focused on my baby steps, so I'm feeling really optimistic that even if nothing else changes, just eating slowly is going to have an impact on how much I eat, which is less about weight loss than about not feeling sleepy and exhausted all the time from being in a carb coma.

Ok, time for coffee and a little pre-work work. Maybe I'll even get some dancing in today.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%

Stressball

Stress and lack of sleep go hand in hand. They also apparently have a role in weight gain (as in, if you are stressed and/or if you don't get enough sleep, you tend to weigh more). I haven't slept soundly since my daughter was born -- the tiniest sound usually wakes me up -- but sometimes I'm not sleeping at all, soundly or otherwise. Last night was one of those nights.

It's like there's this dam somewhere behind my eyes and all the stress-inducing stuff in my life builds up behind it. And then, at about 2:30 in the morning, the dam breaks and my eyes slam open and everything that hasn't gotten done, or that I've forgotten about, or that I didn't forget about but just don't want to think about goes parading through my mind like a friggin' Mardi Gras parade, just as noisy but way less fun. Nobody brings beads or alcohol, for one thing.

I've tried all the strategies, from writing down everything that keeps running through my mind to convince my brain that it doesn't need to keep reminding me every five minutes to deep breathing to self distraction to getting up for a bit. Nothing really worked last night until about 30 minutes before I had to get up. So now, not only do I have a shit-ton of stuff to do, I'm tired and cranky. Yay.

Anyway, there is one thing that always eventually works, if I let it. It's this handy little app called SleepStream 2, and it not only has nature sounds and white noise, but it also has binaural tones and programs for both relaxation and energy, depending on what you need. I use it all the time and it really helps me get out of my head. There are lots of similar apps out there for iPhone and Droid, so if you prefer all nature sounds, or all white noise, or a mix, there's something out there for you. [To be honest, sometimes I use Ricky Gervais podcasts as a kind of white noise to fall asleep to -- I've listened to them all so often I don't really have to pay attention and it ends up being a very pleasant background drone.] If you're more relaxed and well-rested, you'll be able to manage everything better and reach your goals sooner. Give it a try!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 90%

I'm getting closer to my first goal, and it's getting easier!

The Importance of Forks

The key to eating with nothing in your hands between bites is... not eating with your hands. You would not believe how fast I shoved some monkey bread down this morning, mostly because I was holding it in my hands while I ate.

But to be fair, look at that... Nom...

From now on, all food will go on a plate and I will use a utensil to eat it (except for popcorn -- I mean, come on). I need to do something to break the eating habits I have that are so ingrained I don't even think about them until it's too late. We went out to eat last night -- no bueno on the slow eating. I did make good choices, and I stopped eating when I was full, but I didn't even think about putting the fork down between bites. I'm thinking about tying my fingers together before I eat, just to remind me to slow down.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 30%

Combo 1: Eat Slow

I'm a dancer, so when I try to break down a huge project into manageable parts, I think in terms of combinations, which are made up of specific steps. The first "combo" I'm going to work on memorizing, which in dance terms means literally getting it "into your body" -- a particularly apt metaphor when I'm working on body image -- is eating more slowly and giving myself time to feel full.

The first step in this combo is: don't have food in your hand (or on your fork) until the food in your mouth is gone. Sounds simple, right? I started working on this yesterday, with about 50 percent success. Eating cherry tomatoes, my habit is to bring one up to my mouth and then get my hand back in the bowl as fast as possible to get ready to shove another one in. Same with pita chips, good Gruyere cheese or popcorn (which is pretty much what I ate yesterday). It takes a real effort to have absolutely nothing in my hand while I'm chewing. But it does result in paying more attention to the activity of eating rather than the activity of getting food in my mouth.  I had way less success with the pieces of artisan bread we brought home yesterday. Those I pretty much shoved right in -- it was so heavenly good. So still lots more work to do here. My goal is to get two whole days of 100% empty hands while chewing.

We discovered a new thing yesterday, by the way, that made a really good snack as a dip for pita chips and cherry tomatoes: edamame hummus. High protein, low calorie, very filling. And yeah, it tastes like hummus.

The point of starting this blog, at least in part, is to hold myself accountable to someone other than myself, because I'm pretty easy on myself when it comes to meeting goals. So I'll end each post with a progress report of my success with my current goal, like this:

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 50%

Working the Steps

So, getting the "inside me" to meet the "outside me" in the middle will definitely involve changing some things, including changing some things about the way I think, but also accepting that maybe there are some things that just aren't realistically going to change in the next year, or five years, or maybe ever.

One of those things that's not going to change is my relationship to carbs. Carbohydrates are my kryptonite, but only if Superman was not only weakened by kryptonite but also loved it and wanted to roll around in it every chance he got. When I was a kid, it was a family joke that if we ever went to a buffet, my plate would be covered in white food -- mashed potatoes, white gravy, rice, chicken and dumplings, noodles, pudding -- if it was starchy and sort of mushy and filled your mouth completely with awesomeness, then I was all over it (or it was all over me). I'm still that way, although that family joke has done what most family jokes do and shamed me into changing my behavior -- sort of. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love vegetables (and not just the starchy ones) and protein and foods of all colors, but does anyone ever crave a green bean? I don't. When I think about sinking into a state of food-induced ecstasy, I'm thinking french fries, mashed potatoes, orzo, egg noodles, dumplings, fresh hot white bread, cookie dough. I am not thinking chicken breast.

C'mon, admit it -- you didn't even notice that there WAS chicken in this picture.

My daughter has a friend who does not like mashed potatoes. I do not understand how this is possible. My stepson does not like anything that has a pudding consistency. What is wrong with these people? In the interest of full disclosure, these people are also both skinny. So... yeah.

Carbs literally make me happy. And in that sense, although I have never done the kinds of drugs that get you thrown in jail or cause you to need rehab, I believe that carbs are heroin. For me. My behavior in relation to carbs is very much like what I have seen on TV shows about rehab (so I'm totally an expert on this subject). I know they are bad for me, but eating them makes me physically happy in that they feel good in my mouth and emotionally happy in that I get very excited about eating them and am sad when they are gone. I try to give them up, which means going cold turkey, and it's ok for awhile, but I know they're out there. Other people are eating them. People all around me are enjoying that thing that I know would be so awesome.

People rehabbing are supposed to get new friends so they aren't tempted back into their old ways. I totally get that -- but I also get the junkie's resistance to doing this. Who wants to hang around a bunch of non-carb-eating people? How can they possibly be any fun? What joy do they have in their lives? A life without carbs must be a very sad and colorless life, pretending to be enthusiastic about any food other than bread, potatoes, rice and pasta.  But I hang in there for awhile; I try to think about all the reasons that I'm not eating carbs. I try to convince myself I feel SO MUCH BETTER without them. And I do lose weight.

But the siren call is always there and eventually I'll have a piece of bread. And it's so fucking good. Like better than sex or anything else. No, really. This is something I don't think naturally skinny people get. The best physical sensation my body produces comes from eating. Yeah, orgasms are good, but they require effort and don't last very long. Eating a chocolate chip cookie hot from the oven requires no effort, lasts as long as the cookies last, and is instantly repeatable. That's the problem, really.

Once I've had that piece of bread, I'll be back on carbs within a week, wondering why I ever thought not eating carbs was a good idea. And then the weight comes back on as well.  I totally understand why addicts cycle in and out of rehab -- the negative effects of your addiction get bad enough that you want to do something about it, so you try to stop indulging your addiction and the negative effects go away, but the addiction doesn't go away, and the memory of how awesome that addicting thing is doesn't go away either. Once the negative effects subside, that memory takes up a little more of your active consciousness every day.

I know 12-step programs are designed to help people re-construct a life knowing that they will always be addicted and that they can't have the thing that they're addicted to. Maybe Overeaters Anonymous is where I should be. But at this point in my life, I'm not going back to rehab (no, no, no). I'm going to try to be the alcoholic who still drinks a little instead. Lucky for me, if I do fall off the wagon, with my addiction I'm unlikely to kill anyone or get arrested, so the stakes are a lot lower. Also lucky for me, it appears that, in the realm of food addiction, there's some good evidence that it's actually possible to eat your cake and have it too (but not too much!).

So the thing I am willing to change is how I eat, to start with, as well as what I eat, within reason. I'm not quite ready for the total life makeover that 12 steps require, so I came up with my own 5 Steps:

1. Eat slow
2. Eat small
3. Eat smart
4. Stop Sitting!
5. Stay positive

Let's call them the 5 (or 6) S's. My goal is to work on one step at a time until I get it down to a habit that I don't have to think about anymore. I'll be tracking my progress here, starting tomorrow. I'll also be supplementing that with other stuff I've found helpful from The Beck Diet for Life, which is based on cognitive behavior therapy -- in other words, changing the way you think. Maybe if I work these 5 steps long enough, someday I'll actually believe that green bean fries will make me just as happy as McDonalds fries.