Fashion Tips from The Fat Dancer

So, this past weekend I had a lot of people ask me where I got my coverup, which I also used as a dress at the gala Saturday night. If you are a belly dancer, you know that coverups in a caftan style can run well over $100, especially if you are looking for something that does not immediately scream "house coat." Mine cost $35, and it is gorgeous (I'm not bragging -- I had nothing to do with its gorgeousness other than being lucky enough to find it and scoop it up).

I got this lovely little gem on eBay from Egypt -- ok, nothing so unusual about that. Who hasn't bought something from Egypt (or Turkey or India or China) on eBay? But here's my tip: don't search for "belly dance" stuff. Search for clothes that are marketed to Arabic/Muslim women. I found an incredible treasure trove of beautiful things (not only on eBay) by searching for "abaya," "galabaya" and/or "jilbab."

Now, it's true that this piece does not close up the front -- it's an over-the-head job that is sometimes really tricky to get on and off. However, I chose this pattern specifically because it could be cut up the front; throw on a few fancy frog fasteners and it's a little more useable as a coverup for before and after performances. But this thing fits so beautifully that I don't even want to cut it. It's amazingly flattering on me, which doesn't happen that often with dancewear, so I may just keep this one the way it is, and order another one to turn into a caftan. I can even imagine doing a folkloric piece in this, just the way it is.

So dancers, go investigate a whole new world of much more reasonably priced dresses. I mean, personally, I'd wear this around town every day in the fall, and it's only $50 (with shipping, three pieces):

Updated: Body Gratitude

Hi everybody! I'm back from my weekend of dance extravaganzas and getting into the swing of a new teaching schedule -- whew! Blogging time was in short supply this weekend (and in Monday's aftermath), but never fear -- I'm still here! (I know you were worried.)

Last week I wrote a verging-on-pissy post about body image and linked to Amy Poehler's video about learning to show gratitude to your body, but this weekend, as I was dancing my little heart out, I had a moment of real gratitude for what my body can do.

Way back in early August I taught a workshop for a bunch of really wonderful ladies, and that was pretty much the last time I really danced. Our troupe took a vacation from rehearsals, and I kept putting off my own practice in favor of getting ready for the start of a new school year, and any other excuse I could find. So Saturday morning, as I prepared for six hours of dance class, I was a little worried. But my body hung in there and took everything I threw at it, even when I did some things that I know I shouldn't do (like slide my hips horizontally over a weighted leg while my rib cage is sliding the opposite direction over the unweighted leg, which will put my back out faster than ... I don't know, something that's really fast -- so sue me, my brain checked out sometime Sunday afternoon and it hasn't come back yet).

In fact, speaking of brain check-out, Sunday morning I trotted back for another six hours of dancing, and at about hour 2, my brain-body connection broke. It wasn't that my body stopped working -- it's that my brain shorted out and refused to recall any of the combinations we had been working on. I couldn't remember what was coming next anymore, and when I get behind on weight changes and turns, that's when I get hurt. I had to stop, as much as I didn't want to, because my brain quit on me -- but my body never quit.

Credit: Lawrence Yang

I've been in a bit of a brain fog since then, but my body is still hanging in there. I've taught two classes since then, and it's still going strong. I'm not injured and I'm not even that sore. Actually, it feels like my body is thanking me for moving again. I want to remember this feeling, because I always think that my body is thanking me for sitting on the couch and not bothering it. Turns out, I really do want to move (or at least my body does. I think it's Carolena Nericcio who talks about how our brains really don't want to move, because, evolutionarily speaking, it's safer, from the brain's perspective, to stay still).

So thanks, body, for hanging in there, for supporting me as I move, for keeping me balanced, for engaging the right muscles at the right time, for releasing what needs to be released and for finding a way to keep going even when I'm tired. You're awesome!

Progress report:

There is no progress to report, but that's ok.

UPDATE: Apparently my brain did not like me talking smack about it, and so it smote me with a migraine. Watch out, brain -- you used to be my favorite, but I'm starting to think maybe body has more going for it...

Meditation for a Friday

Today is my last day of rest before I dive into my new schedule of teaching dance classes three times a week and leading troupe rehearsal twice a week. This weekend, I kick off my return to a crazy dance schedule by attending two intensive workshops -- one with Aziza of Montreal and one with Sera Solstice. I don't know which one I am more excited about!  Also, I will get to see some of my friends perform tomorrow night at the show -- go, girls!

I've been feeling conflicted about my messaging here -- is it simply about developing a positive body image or is it about changing my body so I can feel better about it? I saw this yesterday and it clarified a lot for me:

So the answer is both, and I'll try to keep that in mind as I'm sweating my ass off (and praying my knees don't decide to go sideways when I'm not expecting it).

Have an awesome weekend!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%

Wanted: A New Perspective

It's been a rough couple of days for me --  not only have I been losing some of the ground I had gained on changing some of my unhelpful eating habits, but I have also gained back all the weight I lost since embarking on this project, plus half a pound.

Sigh.

And then I saw these pictures, from a recent picnic:

Yeah, let's take a closer look at that:

This takes me right back to my very first post -- this is NOT how I think I look. I am surprised and dismayed every time I am confronted with pictures of myself. I feel an intense self-loathing, which I don't normally walk around with, when I see myself through the camera's eye. Sometimes my daughter borrows my phone to take pictures of herself, and she leaves the camera on the setting where the it looks towards the user instead of outward. Then I come along and want to take a picture, and the first thing I see is myself on that screen and it always makes me jump like it's Halloween at the haunted house -- "Oh my God, what the hell is that!?!?!"

So this video from Amy Poehler showed up in my Facebook news feed this morning at exactly the right time, and even though I've heard the message before -- and I'm pretty sure you have, too -- it bears repeating:

So, here's my attempt at gratitude toward my body:

1. I have good fingernails. Seriously, even my manicurist envies them. 
2. I have good feet. They are big, but somehow don't look like boats.
3. I have pretty good hair, although I wish it would stop falling out.
4. I don't throw up a lot. I'm really grateful for that because there is nothing I hate more.
5. I don't have to shave very often. Guess I don't have much testosterone.
6. I have good skin, and I don't have to do anything special or expensive to maintain it.
7. ...

That's pretty much all I could come up with this morning. I couldn't think of a single thing between my neck and my ankles to put on the list. But that's probably because I'm very grumpy about all this stuff today. 

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I need to find a way to change my thinking about myself as well as my eating. I'm going to work on a plan, and as soon as I have one, I'll let you all know. Of course, one solution is to remove all mirrors from my house and never look at pictures of myself. Denial, as they say, is not just a river in Egypt.

But seriously, I think Amy is on to something here, and I've heard it in different words from lots of different sources: would you talk to your daughter the way you talk to yourself when it comes to her body and her beauty? Would you let someone else talk to you the way you talk to yourself when it comes to your body and your beauty? Why do so many of us have this constant negative, mean and downright hateful soundtrack running in our heads all day? 

There's a balance here, of course. When I look at pictures of myself, I don't want to feel self-hatred, but I also want to take the reality check seriously. I have to face the facts that the camera is showing me, and change what I can change if I don't like what it shows me. This is not about giving up, but about finding a way to stay focused on the positive rather than the negative when it comes to weight and body image. And I really, really need that change in perspective.

In the meantime, I'm going all the way back to the beginning with my steps. I added too many too soon, I think. So now, I'm only focusing on eating with empty hands until I can do it 100% for several days in a row.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 80%

<-- Backslider!

That's me :) I've been less focused on my eating habits as my life has gotten crazy busy the last couple of days. So my progress report is more of a regress report for yesterday, but now that I've gotten a lot of stuff off my list (and gotten some much needed positive feedback on some non-dance-related work), I've felt more able to concentrate.

Notice how I'm working really hard not to say that I've been bad. I haven't been bad. I've been pretty good actually -- I just haven't been paying attention to one thing while I spend some of my attention budget elsewhere. It's all good. I got a new dress yesterday and I am going to rock it tomorrow. Maybe I'll even post pictures!

In the meantime, I'm loving the enthusiasm our eight new dancers are bringing to my dance life. If only we can find a time when all 12 of us are free to rehearse!

Bob Marley apparently said a lot of cool stuff...

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 45%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 65%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 30%

Wow...

So my last post seemed to resonate with a lot of people, at least based on traffic to my little blog. Thanks for sharing it around, guys! :)

Yesterday was definitely a happy dance day. We had a successful audition and have eight new student members (one of whom, I swear to God, looks exactly like Sharon Kihara) and I finally got to dance again. I have been super busy doing dance stuff (scheduling classes, planning auditions, working with a new studio owner) but haven't actually been doing much dancing of late. That all changes next week, as I start a new three-a-week schedule, plus I'm going to a super-awesome workshop this weekend that I know will leave me wiped out -- in a good way.

I'm thinking of asking the owner of the new studio I'm working with to post this somewhere:

I would also like to hang it from my rear-view mirror, post it above my bathroom mirror, and in my home studio in giant letters on the back wall.

Much love, everyone! Have a great Monday!

Progress report (gotta keep working):
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 50%

Slap the Apology from Your Posture...

This poem has been going around Facebook for a few weeks, along with the accompanying photo, but it speaks so clearly to me about the primal power of dance, and women's dances in particular, to be transformative -- for the audience AND the dancer.

Photo credit: Chad Faith

We have come to be danced

Not the pretty dance

Not the pretty pretty, pick me, pick me dance

But the claw our way back into the belly 

Of the sacred, sensual animal dance 

The unhinged, unplugged, cat is out of its box dance

The holding the precious moment in the palms

of our hands and feet dance.

We have come to be danced

Not the jiffy booby, shake your booty for him dance

But the wring the sadness from our skin dance 

The blow the chip off our shoulder dance. 

The slap the apology from our posture dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the monkey see, monkey do dance

One two dance like you 

One two three, dance like me dance 

But the grave robber, tomb stalker 

Tearing scabs and scars open dance 

The rub the rhythm raw against our soul dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle

But the matted hair flying, voodoo mama shaman shaking ancient bones dance 

The strip us from our casings, return our wings 

sharpen our claws and tongues dance 

The shed dead cells and slip into the luminous skin of love dance. 

We have come to be danced

Not the hold our breath and wallow in the shallow 

end of the floor dance but the meeting of the trinity: 

the body, breath and beat dance 

The shout hallelujah from the top of our thighs dance

The mother may I? Yes you may take ten giant leaps dance

The olly olly oxen free free free dance 

The everyone can come to our heaven dance. 

We have come to be danced

Where the kingdoms collide

In the cathedral of flesh

To burn back into the light 

To unravel, to play, to fly, to pray 

To root in skin sanctuary 

We have come to be danced! We have come.” 

~ by Jewel Mathieson

from her book "This Dance: A Poultice of Poems" (jewelmathieson.blogspot.com)

I am in love with the imagery in this piece -- the way the poem calls out all the energy, self-confidence, attitude, strength and self-knowledge that comes from dancing, if you let it, if you stop doing "the nice, invisible, self-conscious shuffle" and shout hallelujah from the top of your thighs instead.

We had a workshop for students interested in being involved with our student troupe yesterday and I watched these young women work very hard, concentrating on reconnecting with movement that no longer feels natural to them -- the way hips move up when you shift your weight, or back when you take a step. We in the West are so tight in our hips, so locked in, many of us have lost touch with the simple sway, curve and bounce that happens when we walk. The movement becomes tentative, and our posture along with it. Once we reconnect with that natural rhythm of the body in simply walking in time to music, we are already dancing. The rest is just window dressing. But it doesn't look like dance until you slap the apology from your posture, hold your head up and your shoulders back, and own the space you occupy with all the pride you can possibly muster.

At that point, the body becomes merely a vessel for the spirit that is you, shining through. And 15 or 30 or 60 or 100 "extra" pounds doesn't matter in the least.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%
Combo 1, step 3: small bites -- 85%

Eat Slow, Step 3: Small Bites

I'm getting closer to my goal of 100% compliance with steps 1 and 2 (eating with empty hands and chewing thoroughly), so it's time to slow it down even more -- small bites. I think this will be a real challenge for me, since part of what I love about eating is having a full mouth. On the other hand, feeling full sooner will probably be the one biggest step toward being a bit lighter. Given that I have a new-found love for really high heels, my knees and feet will definitely be thanking me when I'm putting less stress on them. But really, who could resist these?

Alexander McQueen Buckled Oxford Bootie

Anyway, I'm feeling super validated today because my baby steps have been working. I'm down 2.5 pounds this week, without changing much of anything about my eating or exercise other than slowing down. Being even a tiny bit more mindful has helped me feel more proactive, which seems to have bled over into everything else, because I had an amazingly productive week, despite all the stress.

Onward and upwards (or downwards!)

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 65% 
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 75%

A Not-So-Painful Divorce

"I was so good today -- I didn't eat anything that wasn't on my plan." "I've been really bad this week -- I've had desert every night." Argh.

Let's divorce self-worth from eating habits. I am not bad if I eat "bad" food. Eating is eating. My self-worth and value to this world don't have anything to do with what I eat.

Don't get me wrong -- there is a lot to be said for acquiring self-discipline. Self-discipline is a true virtue. It is a worthy goal to work toward. And there's no question that self-discipline is required if you are, like me, trying to change unhealthy habits, whether they are related to eating or not. But give yourself a break, for God's sake. It takes a long time to change habits that you may have had for 20 or 30 years (or more).

Setting goals is also, generally speaking, a good thing. But if you don't reach a goal, does that make you BAD? Are you supposed to go sit in the corner because maybe an old habit kicked in before you had time to think? Are you less of a human being because you got sidetracked or did something else with your time?

This realization hit me the other day, as I was procrastinating once again but not feeling the slightest bit guilty about it. I have had a "goal," so to speak, to get my laundry done for about 10 days. I finally did it yesterday sort of by accident. Like, in between doing other stuff I figured, "hey, might as well throw that in too." But between the day I made the giant laundry pile 10 days ago and yesterday, every night when I went to bed I saw the big huge laundry pile. And never once did I say to myself, "God, I SUCK. I totally failed at getting that laundry done. I'm disgusting!" I felt perfectly fine about it, because I knew it would get done eventually.

Another example: I am a teacher, and I often have giant stacks of papers to grade. These take forever and I hate doing it. I always make a deal with myself that I will do so many a day for the next however many days, and that way it won't be too bad, blah blah blah. Never happens. I'm always down to the wire, the weekend before they're due back, spending hours at a time grading. When I am looking at that giant stack of papers on Friday afternoon, I might have slight regret that I didn't start earlier, but I don't for one second even consider starting in with a giant load of self-hatred. I do not connect my self-worth to the fact that I have a tendency to procrastinate.

A final example: when it is my turn to change the litter box, I often procrastinate (surprise, surprise). Every time I pass it, I think, "Yeah, I need to do that." But two or three days might go by. Do I beat myself up over the fact that I "failed" to change the litter box every time I pass it? No. Never. Now, the consequences of not changing it get increasingly unpleasant, which can also be the case with procrastinating on your habit-changing goals, but it gets done eventually.

So why is it that so many people, when they slip back into an old eating habit, or procrastinate getting started on building some new eating habits, pour self-loathing all over themselves like some kind of horrible oily bath of shame? I do it too, but I'm pretty sick of it and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Yes, there are negative consequences from not doing what you set out to do sometimes. If I didn't do laundry, I'd run out of underwear. If I don't grade the papers, I could lose my job. If I don't change the litter box, the cats are going to start finding new places to poop and... ew. There are also negative consequences from bad eating habits, or any other bad habits. But causes and consequences are just that -- issues related to logic, not emotion. And besides, telling yourself how horrible you are because you failed to meet a goal isn't actually helping you once the time for meeting that goal has passed. It's already gone. All you can do is figure out another way to get there, or pick yourself up and try again.

People need to eat. Sometimes they eat food that nourishes their bodies. Sometimes they eat food that makes their brain chemistry do a happy dance. Sometimes they eat more than they need. Sometimes they forget to eat. None of that -- none of it -- has anything to do with whether that person is kind, generous, thoughtful, pleasant, a good friend, a good worker, or anything else that makes us valuable as human beings.

It's Friday -- go be awesome!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 100%

Getting closer to my goal!

Eat Slow, Step 2: Empty Mouth

I've been cheating and working on doing this one before I've completely mastered eating with empty hands. But they just seem to go hand in hand: don't put more food in your hands while you're still chewing (step 1) and chew until all the food is gone (step 2).

I was skeptical that I was going to make progress on either of these things, given how ingrained my eating habits are, but it's actually getting easier to practice mindful eating. So, yeah, maybe behavior modification experts know what they're talking about.

In fact, I've had a really stressful week so far, and I have still managed to stay focused on my baby steps, so I'm feeling really optimistic that even if nothing else changes, just eating slowly is going to have an impact on how much I eat, which is less about weight loss than about not feeling sleepy and exhausted all the time from being in a carb coma.

Ok, time for coffee and a little pre-work work. Maybe I'll even get some dancing in today.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 95%
Combo 1, step 2: chewing completely -- 85%

Stressball

Stress and lack of sleep go hand in hand. They also apparently have a role in weight gain (as in, if you are stressed and/or if you don't get enough sleep, you tend to weigh more). I haven't slept soundly since my daughter was born -- the tiniest sound usually wakes me up -- but sometimes I'm not sleeping at all, soundly or otherwise. Last night was one of those nights.

It's like there's this dam somewhere behind my eyes and all the stress-inducing stuff in my life builds up behind it. And then, at about 2:30 in the morning, the dam breaks and my eyes slam open and everything that hasn't gotten done, or that I've forgotten about, or that I didn't forget about but just don't want to think about goes parading through my mind like a friggin' Mardi Gras parade, just as noisy but way less fun. Nobody brings beads or alcohol, for one thing.

I've tried all the strategies, from writing down everything that keeps running through my mind to convince my brain that it doesn't need to keep reminding me every five minutes to deep breathing to self distraction to getting up for a bit. Nothing really worked last night until about 30 minutes before I had to get up. So now, not only do I have a shit-ton of stuff to do, I'm tired and cranky. Yay.

Anyway, there is one thing that always eventually works, if I let it. It's this handy little app called SleepStream 2, and it not only has nature sounds and white noise, but it also has binaural tones and programs for both relaxation and energy, depending on what you need. I use it all the time and it really helps me get out of my head. There are lots of similar apps out there for iPhone and Droid, so if you prefer all nature sounds, or all white noise, or a mix, there's something out there for you. [To be honest, sometimes I use Ricky Gervais podcasts as a kind of white noise to fall asleep to -- I've listened to them all so often I don't really have to pay attention and it ends up being a very pleasant background drone.] If you're more relaxed and well-rested, you'll be able to manage everything better and reach your goals sooner. Give it a try!

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 90%

I'm getting closer to my first goal, and it's getting easier!

You Can't Wait Until...

Let's turn attention to the relationship between body image and living life for a moment. Obviously, the process I'm undergoing to bring my awesome "inner" me more in line with my maybe-not-quite-as-awesome "outer" me is going to take a long time. Realistically, changing your body -- whatever that means for you -- takes a long time. It takes a long time to get strong(er). It takes a long time to get fit(ter). Even if you get there, it takes some brain re-training to stay there. Under normal circumstances, it takes a long time to change habits and change your life.

You can't wait until things are exactly the way you want them to start living. As I think we've established, by any objective measure I am fat. Most people (in the US, at least) think of bellydancers as ... well, not fat. There are a variety of reasons for this, not all of them necessarily positive for the art of raqs sharqui, but that's a topic for another day. It's not like I started out dancing and then got fat -- I was fat when I started. But it was something I wanted to do, so I did it. And I loved it. And I wasn't that good at the beginning, because let's face it -- dance (any dance) is not as easy as it looks and being good at it requires practice and investment in education. But because I loved it, I got better. I got stronger. I was still fat, but by God I started to get muscle definition that made the fat look different. And after awhile, it just didn't seem to matter that I wasn't the typical body shape for a dancer. I'm no Ranya Renee, and I'll never be Rachel Brice, but that's ok. I kept at it, kept performing, kept studying, kept practicing and earlier this year, I won a competition. It was a small local competition with a field of about eight dancers, but the second place winner is a professional dancer and both the second- and third-place winners are less than half my size. That was sort of validating, to say the least. I've entered another competition that's coming up in about six months, and if I don't win, that's ok -- just participating is another step in my growth doing something I really love.

You may have different loves. But don't wait until things are perfect, or until you are perfect, to start them. That day will never come. Just jump in. You're not going to be the best at something right away, no matter what. That can't be your standard. Just go for the best you can be at that moment.

So since I've started this blog, I've lost 1.5 pounds, just by eating more slowly and intentionally. I might be a big, giant tortoise, but maybe I'll still get there in the end.

Photo: Tim Laman/National Geographic

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 75%

The Importance of Forks

The key to eating with nothing in your hands between bites is... not eating with your hands. You would not believe how fast I shoved some monkey bread down this morning, mostly because I was holding it in my hands while I ate.

But to be fair, look at that... Nom...

From now on, all food will go on a plate and I will use a utensil to eat it (except for popcorn -- I mean, come on). I need to do something to break the eating habits I have that are so ingrained I don't even think about them until it's too late. We went out to eat last night -- no bueno on the slow eating. I did make good choices, and I stopped eating when I was full, but I didn't even think about putting the fork down between bites. I'm thinking about tying my fingers together before I eat, just to remind me to slow down.

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 30%

Combo 1: Eat Slow

I'm a dancer, so when I try to break down a huge project into manageable parts, I think in terms of combinations, which are made up of specific steps. The first "combo" I'm going to work on memorizing, which in dance terms means literally getting it "into your body" -- a particularly apt metaphor when I'm working on body image -- is eating more slowly and giving myself time to feel full.

The first step in this combo is: don't have food in your hand (or on your fork) until the food in your mouth is gone. Sounds simple, right? I started working on this yesterday, with about 50 percent success. Eating cherry tomatoes, my habit is to bring one up to my mouth and then get my hand back in the bowl as fast as possible to get ready to shove another one in. Same with pita chips, good Gruyere cheese or popcorn (which is pretty much what I ate yesterday). It takes a real effort to have absolutely nothing in my hand while I'm chewing. But it does result in paying more attention to the activity of eating rather than the activity of getting food in my mouth.  I had way less success with the pieces of artisan bread we brought home yesterday. Those I pretty much shoved right in -- it was so heavenly good. So still lots more work to do here. My goal is to get two whole days of 100% empty hands while chewing.

We discovered a new thing yesterday, by the way, that made a really good snack as a dip for pita chips and cherry tomatoes: edamame hummus. High protein, low calorie, very filling. And yeah, it tastes like hummus.

The point of starting this blog, at least in part, is to hold myself accountable to someone other than myself, because I'm pretty easy on myself when it comes to meeting goals. So I'll end each post with a progress report of my success with my current goal, like this:

Progress report:
Combo 1, step 1: eating with empty hands -- 50%

Working the Steps

So, getting the "inside me" to meet the "outside me" in the middle will definitely involve changing some things, including changing some things about the way I think, but also accepting that maybe there are some things that just aren't realistically going to change in the next year, or five years, or maybe ever.

One of those things that's not going to change is my relationship to carbs. Carbohydrates are my kryptonite, but only if Superman was not only weakened by kryptonite but also loved it and wanted to roll around in it every chance he got. When I was a kid, it was a family joke that if we ever went to a buffet, my plate would be covered in white food -- mashed potatoes, white gravy, rice, chicken and dumplings, noodles, pudding -- if it was starchy and sort of mushy and filled your mouth completely with awesomeness, then I was all over it (or it was all over me). I'm still that way, although that family joke has done what most family jokes do and shamed me into changing my behavior -- sort of. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love vegetables (and not just the starchy ones) and protein and foods of all colors, but does anyone ever crave a green bean? I don't. When I think about sinking into a state of food-induced ecstasy, I'm thinking french fries, mashed potatoes, orzo, egg noodles, dumplings, fresh hot white bread, cookie dough. I am not thinking chicken breast.

C'mon, admit it -- you didn't even notice that there WAS chicken in this picture.

My daughter has a friend who does not like mashed potatoes. I do not understand how this is possible. My stepson does not like anything that has a pudding consistency. What is wrong with these people? In the interest of full disclosure, these people are also both skinny. So... yeah.

Carbs literally make me happy. And in that sense, although I have never done the kinds of drugs that get you thrown in jail or cause you to need rehab, I believe that carbs are heroin. For me. My behavior in relation to carbs is very much like what I have seen on TV shows about rehab (so I'm totally an expert on this subject). I know they are bad for me, but eating them makes me physically happy in that they feel good in my mouth and emotionally happy in that I get very excited about eating them and am sad when they are gone. I try to give them up, which means going cold turkey, and it's ok for awhile, but I know they're out there. Other people are eating them. People all around me are enjoying that thing that I know would be so awesome.

People rehabbing are supposed to get new friends so they aren't tempted back into their old ways. I totally get that -- but I also get the junkie's resistance to doing this. Who wants to hang around a bunch of non-carb-eating people? How can they possibly be any fun? What joy do they have in their lives? A life without carbs must be a very sad and colorless life, pretending to be enthusiastic about any food other than bread, potatoes, rice and pasta.  But I hang in there for awhile; I try to think about all the reasons that I'm not eating carbs. I try to convince myself I feel SO MUCH BETTER without them. And I do lose weight.

But the siren call is always there and eventually I'll have a piece of bread. And it's so fucking good. Like better than sex or anything else. No, really. This is something I don't think naturally skinny people get. The best physical sensation my body produces comes from eating. Yeah, orgasms are good, but they require effort and don't last very long. Eating a chocolate chip cookie hot from the oven requires no effort, lasts as long as the cookies last, and is instantly repeatable. That's the problem, really.

Once I've had that piece of bread, I'll be back on carbs within a week, wondering why I ever thought not eating carbs was a good idea. And then the weight comes back on as well.  I totally understand why addicts cycle in and out of rehab -- the negative effects of your addiction get bad enough that you want to do something about it, so you try to stop indulging your addiction and the negative effects go away, but the addiction doesn't go away, and the memory of how awesome that addicting thing is doesn't go away either. Once the negative effects subside, that memory takes up a little more of your active consciousness every day.

I know 12-step programs are designed to help people re-construct a life knowing that they will always be addicted and that they can't have the thing that they're addicted to. Maybe Overeaters Anonymous is where I should be. But at this point in my life, I'm not going back to rehab (no, no, no). I'm going to try to be the alcoholic who still drinks a little instead. Lucky for me, if I do fall off the wagon, with my addiction I'm unlikely to kill anyone or get arrested, so the stakes are a lot lower. Also lucky for me, it appears that, in the realm of food addiction, there's some good evidence that it's actually possible to eat your cake and have it too (but not too much!).

So the thing I am willing to change is how I eat, to start with, as well as what I eat, within reason. I'm not quite ready for the total life makeover that 12 steps require, so I came up with my own 5 Steps:

1. Eat slow
2. Eat small
3. Eat smart
4. Stop Sitting!
5. Stay positive

Let's call them the 5 (or 6) S's. My goal is to work on one step at a time until I get it down to a habit that I don't have to think about anymore. I'll be tracking my progress here, starting tomorrow. I'll also be supplementing that with other stuff I've found helpful from The Beck Diet for Life, which is based on cognitive behavior therapy -- in other words, changing the way you think. Maybe if I work these 5 steps long enough, someday I'll actually believe that green bean fries will make me just as happy as McDonalds fries.